08 July 2010

today

Today there is no happy update. To be clear, nothing bad has happened and nothing has changed; I've just come to a place again where I'm experiencing some anger about all of this.

When I started this blog, I promised honesty. Reading this might seem a bit like whiplash in light of all the recent positive updates. Make no mistake: I still recognize how very fortunate and blessed we are given the circumstances.

It's the "given the circumstances" part that I'm battling today.

I can't totally explain or discern where this is coming from. But honesty is the policy around here: so there you have it.

Today, my heart is tired.

Today, I can't be particularly pious about this.

Today, I'm tired I've being special, of having a special pregnancy. Today, I would give anything for normal, textbook, boring. Unremarkable.

Today, I want a little fairness out of life (knowing that this is a double-edged request). I've taken great care with my physical health over the last several years: I want taking care of myself with my diet and exercise and taking the right vitamins ahead of time and never smoking and not drinking excessively and doing the right things to matter when it comes to having a healthy baby.

Today, I'm tired of feeling helpless.

Today, I want to go back to the 20-week ultrasound and hear that everything is perfectly normal, and know that it's true.

Today, I can recognize the blessing that has already come out of this, acknowledge the blessing that will come out of this and still say: Take it all back, please. I want my healthy baby.

Today, I'm sick with knowing that we haven't even gotten to the hard part yet.

Today, I want all my measurements to be normal, and not have to worry about what it might mean to be measuring too big. It could all come out even in the end, or it might not. Today, I don't want anything else to worry about. I don't want to have one more obstacle to face over which I have exactly zero control or influence no matter what I do.

Today, I just want a break from all of it.

Today, I don't want to ask for strength and grace to endure this and what will come. I just want it all to go away. I want a miracle, and I say NOW would be a good time for it.

Today, I want to go to bed and wake up in a tomorrow where congenital heart defects don't exist for me, or for anyone. I want mothers who have lost their babies to have them back healthy and whole, and for their tears to be redeemed in the present.

I'm just plain tired of today.

16 comments:

KLaw said...

Big big hugs my friend. We are here for you. And praying.

Buttercup said...

Thoughts and prayers are with you.

The Real Life of a Red Head said...

You aren't alone sweetie. I have my days too. Just continue to take it one day at a time and continue to accept your emotions as they come.

I wrote a post about grieving after we found out about Joshua. Working through those emotions really helped me to understand that how and what I was feeling is completely normal and even healthy.

You don't always have to be strong. One thing I have learned is that it's ok to tell yourself and others that today is not a good day for you. That is when they will step up and be strong when you can't. I'm amazed at how much others are willing to carry part of the burden when I can no longer do it, even if just for a day.

I am praying for peace and strength for you today. I'm praying for your friends and family to be strong when you can't. I'm praying for little Ewan.

Heart hugs to you.

The Real Life of a Red Head said...

I went back through my posts and my post about grieving is on May 11, 2010 just in case you wanted to read it! :o)

terri said...

and today i am still here listening, not at all put out that you have told the truth about where you are in this moment.

today, i am holding you up as best i can from such a distance.

today, i am tired with you.

peace, my friend.

Lisa said...

such a normal place to be. a place I've been so many times the last few years.

no real words today. just hugs and prayers being sent towards you.

Sarah said...

Love you here . . . maybe especially here. Truth is a hard thing, sometimes, but not telling it is harder . . . so tell away and let us listen and hold.

Shay said...

thank you for your honesty! it helps me know how to pray. I too am praying for a miracle! you are loved!

Dillie-O said...

I just wanted to put a nod at Lisa and agree this is such a normal place to be. Prayers day by day are still flowing from Prescott...

Nadine said...

I appreciate your honesty friend, please don't ever hold back! :) I am definitely praying for you every day! Love ya.

Rebecca said...

Have been, am and will be praying for you earnestly, my friend. There is not a lot more to say on a day like Today. But, I do hope that Tomorrow you wake with renewed strength, hope and joy.

Rebecca said...

Have been, am and will be praying for you earnestly, my friend. There is not a lot more to say on a day like Today. But, I do hope that Tomorrow you wake with renewed strength, hope and joy.

christianne said...

Oh, this post made my heart ache for you. You are going through so much that I do not know from my own intimate experience, but I do understand the language of pain and wanting things to be different than they are, and of needing to say out loud what is truest inside, and of begging God to change things.

Today (and really, every day) I wish it was different for you ... even though I don't fully know what that wish means because I don't know what God is doing here that we don't see. I still wish it was different for you.

I wish it was normal for you, too.

Love much,
Christianne

Jen said...

Coming from another heart mom, I can honestly tell you that everything you are feeling is so normal. I too found out at 20 weeks and that day was pure devastation. I can still remember so vividly coming home, shutting all the windows and blinds and just sobbing uncontrollably for hours on end. The rest of the pregnancy was no picnic, and I most certainly had MANY days like the one you are feeling today. I can't tell you that the road you have ahead is easy (it isn't), but I can tell you it is the most rewarding thing I've ever done. And when I look at my now 3-year-old son, those days are now a distant memory, and they will be for you, too. Someday.

Today my biggest challenge was getting Andrew to ride his bike back home from the park and getting all the dirt scrubbed off of him in the tub! Today was a day I didn't even think about his heart condition. And there will be plenty of those days ahead for you, too. Just "normal" mama stuff! :) Of course the heart thing is always there, but eventually it won't be your main focus anymore.

I'll be praying for you and for Ewan!

Jen
www.thehuegelfamily.blogspot.com

Carolina Carters said...

I'm a fellow heart mom, and like Jen said, all of your feelings are "normal." (Although I'd say from here on out, "normal" is pretty much meaningless...for us anyway! :)

I have to be honest (and you already know this), being a heart mom is though. Really tough. BUT it is the most amazing thing I've ever been through. Knowing what my son has already gone through in his little 14 months...being able to watch him be a "normal" little guy is nothing short of a miracle. Watching him brings me to tears sometimes.

Derrick has deepened my faith, patience, and appreciation for life. And Ewan will show you all of those things too. It just doesn't feel like for a while.

You deserve to be upset...it's not fair, none of it is! I'll be praying for you, your family, and especially little Ewan! :)

Big heart hugs and prayers,
Shannon
www.carolinacarters.com

Tia said...

I think it is when things are going well (or "well, all things considered", that we have the time and space to start feeling bad about things. When it's all about the next battle, the next hill to climb, the next task to line up, then we can focus all our energies into that. But when that's done, you can sit back and think "Yeah, all sorted." And then that's when you start thinking about the implications of what you're sorting and it all comes tumbling down.

Enjoy your break.