Today there is no happy update. To be clear, nothing bad has happened and nothing has changed; I've just come to a place again where I'm experiencing some anger about all of this.
When I started this blog, I promised honesty. Reading this might seem a bit like whiplash in light of all the recent positive updates. Make no mistake: I still recognize how very fortunate and blessed we are given the circumstances.
It's the "given the circumstances" part that I'm battling today.
I can't totally explain or discern where this is coming from. But honesty is the policy around here: so there you have it.
Today, my heart is tired.
Today, I can't be particularly pious about this.
Today, I'm tired I've being special, of having a special pregnancy. Today, I would give anything for normal, textbook, boring. Unremarkable.
Today, I want a little fairness out of life (knowing that this is a double-edged request). I've taken great care with my physical health over the last several years: I want taking care of myself with my diet and exercise and taking the right vitamins ahead of time and never smoking and not drinking excessively and doing the right things to matter when it comes to having a healthy baby.
Today, I'm tired of feeling helpless.
Today, I want to go back to the 20-week ultrasound and hear that everything is perfectly normal, and know that it's true.
Today, I can recognize the blessing that has already come out of this, acknowledge the blessing that will come out of this and still say: Take it all back, please. I want my healthy baby.
Today, I'm sick with knowing that we haven't even gotten to the hard part yet.
Today, I want all my measurements to be normal, and not have to worry about what it might mean to be measuring too big. It could all come out even in the end, or it might not. Today, I don't want anything else to worry about. I don't want to have one more obstacle to face over which I have exactly zero control or influence no matter what I do.
Today, I just want a break from all of it.
Today, I don't want to ask for strength and grace to endure this and what will come. I just want it all to go away. I want a miracle, and I say NOW would be a good time for it.
Today, I want to go to bed and wake up in a tomorrow where congenital heart defects don't exist for me, or for anyone. I want mothers who have lost their babies to have them back healthy and whole, and for their tears to be redeemed in the present.
I'm just plain tired of today.