I wanted to thank you all for the love and support you gave in response to my last post. I know that amongst friends, it hardly needs to be said that what we're facing goes far beyond having "bad days" and is much more than just taking a few deep breaths can help. While there is perspective to be gained, it is only by walking through incredibly deep pain -- the types of waters no one passes through willingly.
There are a lot of heart moms out there who I know from the depths of their being can resonate with me, who can say "I get it" and really, really mean it. And even if you haven't faced something like this, you see how much this can hurt: how impossible it can feel and how entirely out-of-control, not to mention how very small and frighteningly vulnerable a person you can feel in the face of such obstacles, especially when people are saying: this is do-able, you can handle this. All while you are still in a puddle on the floor.
I still maintain: No, we can't. We cannot handle this. Even a good day like today, I refuse to pretend that that is the case. It is not in either of us -- within the realm of our own ability -- to "handle" this. I cannot imagine that it exists in the realm of ability of any parent. If we could handle this, we wouldn't need God, and we wouldn't be turning to Him in every moment of every day seeking the grace, wisdom, and strength we need to make the decisions we need to make in order to parent this very special child as well as we can. And His directives in this regard aren't always clear -- there is not always one path that is more clearly marked out than another, even when it comes to the moment in which a step must be taken.
I can't tell you how much it hurts to hear someone point your eyes toward a future nobody knows and say things like it will be okay, or you will get through this when the reality is that in that present moment, you really feel like you might be dying and are, in fact, quite surprised that it hasn't killed you already. Now is what we have to deal with. Now is what I'm having trouble getting through. Hitting the fast forward button and imagining a future where my excruciating present is my distant past of unpleasant memory is simply (in moments such as I've had lately) inconceivable.
Perhaps this all sounds a little dramatic, or like I'm too much given to exaggeration. I'm not bent on proving otherwise to someone who might believe such a thing, but I will say this: though my first child has not yet been born, motherhood has turned me completely inside out. Once upon a time, I was a woman convinced she didn't want to have children. And now I'm pregnant with a child for whom I would do absolutely anything. If it's for Ewan, it doesn't matter how scared I am, how embarassed I might be, how worried I might be about inconveniencing someone else, how vulnerable it makes me, or how much energy it takes -- I'll do it.
I am and will be ferocious for his sake. It's such a mystery to me, but entirely natural at the same time. And I embrace it.