01 September 2010

Inside-Outness

I wanted to thank you all for the love and support you gave in response to my last post. I know that amongst friends, it hardly needs to be said that what we're facing goes far beyond having "bad days" and is much more than just taking a few deep breaths can help. While there is perspective to be gained, it is only by walking through incredibly deep pain -- the types of waters no one passes through willingly.

There are a lot of heart moms out there who I know from the depths of their being can resonate with me, who can say "I get it" and really, really mean it. And even if you haven't faced something like this, you see how much this can hurt: how impossible it can feel and how entirely out-of-control, not to mention how very small and frighteningly vulnerable a person you can feel in the face of such obstacles, especially when people are saying: this is do-able, you can handle this. All while you are still in a puddle on the floor.

I still maintain: No, we can't. We cannot handle this. Even a good day like today, I refuse to pretend that that is the case. It is not in either of us -- within the realm of our own ability -- to "handle" this. I cannot imagine that it exists in the realm of ability of any parent. If we could handle this, we wouldn't need God, and we wouldn't be turning to Him in every moment of every day seeking the grace, wisdom, and strength we need to make the decisions we need to make in order to parent this very special child as well as we can. And His directives in this regard aren't always clear -- there is not always one path that is more clearly marked out than another, even when it comes to the moment in which a step must be taken.

I can't tell you how much it hurts to hear someone point your eyes toward a future nobody knows and say things like it will be okay, or you will get through this when the reality is that in that present moment, you really feel like you might be dying and are, in fact, quite surprised that it hasn't killed you already. Now is what we have to deal with. Now is what I'm having trouble getting through. Hitting the fast forward button and imagining a future where my excruciating present is my distant past of unpleasant memory is simply (in moments such as I've had lately) inconceivable.

Perhaps this all sounds a little dramatic, or like I'm too much given to exaggeration. I'm not bent on proving otherwise to someone who might believe such a thing, but I will say this: though my first child has not yet been born, motherhood has turned me completely inside out. Once upon a time, I was a woman convinced she didn't want to have children. And now I'm pregnant with a child for whom I would do absolutely anything. If it's for Ewan, it doesn't matter how scared I am, how embarassed I might be, how worried I might be about inconveniencing someone else, how vulnerable it makes me, or how much energy it takes -- I'll do it.

I am and will be ferocious for his sake. It's such a mystery to me, but entirely natural at the same time. And I embrace it.

8 comments:

Sarah said...

You say it so well. I don't face your challenges and don't pretend to know how you feel, but I hear you on the inside-out thing. Yes, if it's for the little ones, it doesn't matter. No matter what, mamas will do it! Love you!

Anonymous said...

It is a mystery. I will never understand how, at times during this crazy journey, we put one foot in front of the other. Just breathing at times seems overwhelming. But I do it because I am my daughter's best advocate. I can tell you this - and have heard it expressed in many different ways - that the longest and shortest walk you will ever take is to the doors of the OR when it comes time for the surgery. For me, in that moment that I handed my daughter to the doctor's assistant was THE single most difficult moment of my life (although it does not get any easier as we have walked to those doors several times in the last 2 1/2 years) To put that much trust in another human was very hard for me. As I turned around to walk to the waiting room this incredible feeling washed over me. There is no other way to describe it. For me, it was God letting me know that He was in control and was holding my daughter in one hand and guiding the surgeons hands with His other. This path is such a incredible personal journey - no two walks will be the same. But we all share similar stories...I am praying that you feel the prayers of those who have come before you and those that stand beside you on this path.

Shannon Egan

HennHouse said...

Oh, Kirsten.

So beautifully said.

betsy said...

Wishing I had the "right" words. Breaks my heart to even imagine what you feel right now. Someone sent me a linkto Audrey Assad's album, "The House You're Building" on iTunes today. The lyrics to the song "Known" might be an encouragement to you. Praying for you.

ANewKindOfPerfect said...

we have been through so much with my daughter, and at times the future has been uncertain. It still is, for that matter! It always made me mad when people said "Try not to worry, it will all be fine". No, not necessarily! It may NOT all be fine! It was not fine when I sent her off to surgery, and she ended up having an 18 minute cardiac arrest!

People don't know what to say. And I get that. But man it's hard to listen to sometimes, isn't it!

KLaw said...

i am firever thinking of you and praying that you and your beautiful family sees through this and wishing for peace for your hearts and ewan's.

Baby Hung said...

Been praying for you and one thing I personally hear a lot and hopefully find true is "God doesn't give you more than you can handle" and "God chose you to raise this baby because He knows you can." I feel the same for you and see you love Him therefore you will do whatever it take to take care and protect Ewan.

Nikki said...

You should read some of my older posts...even the one from the other day that you commented on :) When I get angry I want EVERYONE to know what I'm thinking. Which is why some of my posts are 30 pages long. My mind wanders "well what if he has this defect, it can cause THIS and it eventually leads to THAT" It's not likely...but you still think about it, and worry about it and it's totally natural to want to vent about it!

You have every right to be "dramatic" (although I think you are doing surprisingly well!)

Remember that there will be MANY more days like this. Many days of uncertainty.

Parents of healthy kids always say "it will all be fine" and I want to punch them in the face. They've never had to sit and stare such an uncertain future in the face. It's a burden no one should have to bear. I won't tell you that it will all work out and Ewan will be fine...but I will tell you that we (heart moms) are here. We love you. We support you.