16 October 2010

28 Days

The days that pass on the calendar and the amount of time I feel like I've lived over the span of those calendar lines seem incongruent.


Four weeks ago today, Ewan was born.

Four weeks doesn't seem like that long -- less than a month. Just twenty-eight days. A whole lot of nothing can pass in twenty-eight days. Or twenty-eight days can span a lifetime, containing within it the whole of a human existence: birth, death, burial, and the span of human suffering in the few days in between. Inside that twenty-eight days, the first of the aftershocks are felt that reverberate for days and months on end when a flame is snuffed out, a life cut short.

In the past twenty-eight days, I feel as though I have aged in decades. I gave birth to my first child. I held him in my arms as he died. I buried him. I learn to live without him, to be a mother with no child. Just one month ago, he still lived under my heart. I still feel those phantom kicks.

It's as though I've been spinning spinning spinning in a chair and suddenly the spinning has stopped. It shouldn't surprise me that I need to hang on tight and get my bearings.

22 comments:

casadekaloi said...

I think the way you're handling everything is more than incredible. I'm in constant awe of everything you write -- even the way you're expressing pain is beautiful. You three are constantly in my head.

Leslie said...

Praying for you this morning as you walk this valley.

Nadine said...

love you, love james, love Ewan! <3
Many hugs and prayers sent your way!

Lisa said...

praying still...

HennHouse said...

What a vivid analogy.

Love you.

terri said...

time is strange in grief. it's strange and frightening that so much can change is so little time. it seems dishonoring in a way. it's as if time hurried past something so important and extraordinary, something that should have taken ninety years.

there's a line from a john o'donohue poem that i wanted to share with you:

"be excessively gentle with yourself."

i pray that you are surrounded by an excessive gentleness and extravagant mercy. much love to you...

A Simple Country Girl said...

praying...

felmleyfam said...

praying for you as you hang on. what a mind boggling 28 days, and yet the Lord has been with you and will continue to walk this road and light your way amidst this valley. what a precious picture of you and ewan. beautiful pair. thank you for sharing.

Renea Flaishans said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you not only today, but every day.

Renea

Shay said...

much love to you and James...praying for you! many of my friends are still praying, too.

EugenieV said...

I'm so very sorry. My heart hurts for you. My husband and I are praying for you and your family every day.

Genie

erin said...

wise, strong, graceful soul mama. i bow to you, and i embrace you...

Jennifer said...

I just read your last two blog posts, and I am so sorry for your loss. I pray that God's peace be with you during this hard hard time. My heart really does go out to you and your family.

Rachel said...

I am truly sorry.

I will pray for you.

Kristina said...

so beautifully said. So terribly sorry. Praying!

christianne said...

I hold your heart in mine.

I look at that picture of you holding Ewan on the day he was born. That smile on your face and what I see in your eyes ... you didn't yet know what was before you. You had no idea what awaited you in the next 28 days.

It brings tears to my eyes, all that you have lived in 28 days.

Today I am feeling so acutely the frustration of being so far away. I wish I were near and could sit on your couch and hold your hand without speaking, or go to the grocery store to buy food for your fridge and cupboards, or make you dinner, or wash your dishes and put them away.

These are things I wish I could do for you. Love, in action. Providing spaces of rest for you.

Love you.

Carolina Carters said...

Praying for you, friend. I wish there was something else I could say...

Wayne and Sue Rasmussen said...

Praying that the spinning sensation slows down in the days ahead. Keep hanging on to the only One who never changes ...

deb said...

you will never be without him, not really.
I know you know that ... I just ,
well, my arms ache for yours.

tea said...

I'm so sorry, Kirsten. Praying for you <3

felmleyfam said...

he was just so amazing to look at.
we are still on team ewan, just in a new way. praying for you. your family is continuallly on our minds and in our hearts.

Cameo's Angels said...

your words are breathtakingly sad and beautiful all at the same time. You are such an amazing women and will forever be amazing. Your precious little boy and your family story will forever stick with me. And although I hate hearing of loss and the gut wrenching pain that we go through when we lose someone we love, it is a great reminder of the love we must show those we still have here! Thank you for sharing your beautiful story. I feel blessed to have stumbled upon your blog.