29 October 2010

Unexpected

There are things that I had prepared myself for -- things I knew would likely be difficult. Seeing happy, healthy babies out in public. Going into Ewan's nursery again, going through his clothes. Looking at his pictures. Talking about the night he died. I do not know if expecting the difficulty somehow made it easier, but doing those things weren't as hard on me as I expected they would be.


It was those things I had not thought of or prepared for that knocked the wind out of me like a punch to the gut. Going to the pumpkin patch. Seeing a baby boy in one of the outfits I had received as a gift at my shower. Going back to see the doctor who delivered him, talking about possible future pregnancies.

Sometimes my response is instantaneous, and sometimes it brews for awhile before rising to the surface. But then it comes: hot tears, slow at first, and then picking up in speed and intensity. Remembering what I wanted, what I had hoped for -- for him and for us. Remembering the sweet boy who was nothing like what I expected, but ended up being everything I wanted.

It was only him I wanted, after all.

17 comments:

Papillon Sky Photography said...

Oh, I am crying for you right now, Kirsten. I remember that feeling when I saw other babies. For me, since my pregnancy ended early, it was hard to see pregnant women who were about as far along as I would have been. When I would see them, it felt exactly as if I were being stabbed in my uterus.
I am thinking of you. I can remember those feelings so well, and even now, almost 8 months later, the grief will surprise me and knock me out.
Keep writing. That's all I could do. Nothing will take the pain away, but if you share it, we will all take a piece of it for you.
xoxo...

Lisa said...

oh Kirsten - thanks for continuing to let so many of us in on this journey you're walking. Praying for you and James often as you continue to walk moment by moment... grace and peace to you today, in this moment.

(and my word verification word made me smile - courr - nearly the french word for "heart")

christianne said...

Oh, my sweet girl ... this hurts in me for you. I know he was all you wanted. Only him. And there are (and will be) so many unexpected moments that bring the sadness and tears and loss to the surface again.

I hate this for you. I only wish you had him back.

Loving you.

Ams said...

Many prayers for you sweet lady.
I can't imagine how hard this journey is, but you are doing it with such strength and grace. An example to all of us, who often take the smallest things in life for granter.
Hugs to you!!
xo

Anonymous said...

My daer sweet friend, how I weep that you must walk this path. My wish for you, that in the years to come, as you look back on those incredible two weeks that changed your life (and the world) that you will smile even thru your tears.

Shannon Egan

Kristin said...

Sending prayers your way...knowing they don't take away your grief but hopefully I can share some of it with you.

Sarah said...

Oh friend. I'm so sorry the hardest things come out of nowhere. I'm so glad you can cry, though, and talk about them and process them . . . I think it's good for your heart. And of course he was all you wanted . . . what a blessed boy!

Jacky said...

Oh honey, my heart hurts for you. I know there's nothing I can do to make it any better for you and James, but please know that you continue to be in our prayers daily.

Jacky

Kelley said...

I pray for you and think about you every single day.

terri said...

more and more i am lost for words. holding you here and praying that you'll be cushioned in all those unanticipated moments of grief and loss.

Rebecca said...

I can see why the unexpected moments of grief are the hardest. Just as the unexpected moments of joy are the greatest. Oh how my heart hurts to know that you are going through this. I am praying for you, my friend, praying with tears. It's really all I can do.

Meg said...

I have been following you for weeks now. I have never commented but feel as though I needed to today. Thank you for sharing Ewan with us. He is simply beautiful, just lovely. I am always in complete awe of your ability to type out your raw emotions in such a marvelous fashion. You truly have a gift. Ewan would be so proud. Praying tonight that God wraps His arms around your sweet Ewan and whispers the love of his momma into his perfect little ears...

HennHouse said...

Oh his eyes in that photo... Absolutely fixed on you. What love---all the way around.

Keeping you in my prayers.

Alyssa the Ragamuffin said...

I'm still praying and I just wanted you to know that another person (This one in Gilbert, Arizona) is a witness to the extraordinary life that was Ewan's.

If it were my baby, I think I would just want to put up a flag that said, "Ewan was here." Somehow. This blog is such a beautiful tribute to him.

So, just wanting you to know I see your flag.

hopeannfaith said...

...<3
Thank you.

felmleyfam said...

wow, look at him gaze at his momma. a picture is worth a thousand words, and then some. praying for you.

Shay said...

I am touched by every post you write. Thank you for allowing us to continue on your journey with you and for letting us know how to pray. Praying for you as those unexpected things come your way...praying for love, peace, comfort, and whatever else you need at each moment, to surround you.

you are constantly in my prayers. Lots of love and hugs,
Shay