26 September 2010

Aftershocks

It was last night at about 7 o'clock that some of the shock and chaos of the previous 48 hours began to wear off. It didn't surprise me when it came -- I knew that it would. I know that when our minds and bodies endure something like we did Thursday night - early Friday morning, that you can't possibly take it all in. You can't possibly understand and process what is happening.

I still believe that in those moments, I was protected by that peace that passes understanding. There is no doubt in my mind. But I also believe I have a human heart which, as much as it can contain, cannot contain the love I have for my son. This is part of why I share him with you -- this, and the understanding that is now as clear as a pinprick of light on a dark night: he isn't ours to begin with.

I thought about everything: How severe his heart condition is. How there was nothing we could have done to prevent it from happening. How so many people I know have had perfectly healthy little babies recently. How much my one-week old has been through in his first week of life: blood draws, transfusions, intubations, open-heart surgery, central lines, more medications running through his system than many of us have seen in our entire lifetimes. How much I love him. How much I want to hold him again, and for his daddy to hold him for the first time. How sweet and how fierce he is. How much I hope for those miraculous moments of victory, whether they come in inches or in miles. How much I understand that we're at the mercy of something over which we have no control. How much all of this throws into sharp relief how very delicate and tenuous life can be.

And I felt it all at once.

I understand that this doesn't mean a loss of hope or of faith -- in those scary moments where we thought we'd lose him, we had no choice but to live only in the moment we were in: no projecting forward, and no looking back wondering what could have been done differently. What I experienced was the dam giving way: the thing that kept us walking through the past 48 hours making those decisions that needed to be made with a clear mind. Now that things have been relatively boring for these most recent 48 hours, space was created for all those things to sink in, to marinate -- for me to have some stillness with them and to really, really feel them.

So for now, we are hoping and praying for more boring days. As Ewan's body hangs out at a warmer temperature (not quite body temp), as they slowly wean him off the support he's been getting from the ECMO machine -- we are hoping for nothing more than minor roadbumps. After you prayed, his lactic acid levels went down yesterday -- just as the doctors wanted them to. So keep praying that as his body warms, that as support is weaned, that he would handle it well -- his heart rate and blood pressure remaining stable and in healthy ranges, his body taking over for what machines are providing now.

So much to be thankful for, so much more to hope and pray for.

Video: I mentioned in an earlier post -- before we even knew that Ewan would be going in to surgery -- that I felt compelled to baptize him before we left the other night (which ended up being the night before his emergency surgery). I'm so glad we did -- I can't bear the thought of leaving that undone prior to those moments. These are BOTH the day prior to surgery.



And here's another video from the same day which is short but terribly sweet:

13 comments:

Nadine said...

SO thankful! :) Oh and he's the cutest little guy! So so very cute!

Kenli said...

He is beautiful! Someone is watching over this special little guy very closely. I'm keeping you all in my prayers.

Heather said...

He's such a doll!!

This is beautifully said. After my preemie was born I went into adrenaline mode for 2 days and then it all came rushing in what was going on and I lost it.

Stay strong momma!

Olga said...

Dear Kirsten and family!

I come to your site by Christianne. So GOOD to see the videos of Ewan for whom I am praying together with you.You know - the prayers keep going night and days for your son because we live in different time-zones around the world.

I hope Christianne will get the chanse to see you one of these days!

Love and peace to you!

Olga in Sweden

Anonymous said...

Kirsten, you are so correct when you said " he was not ours to begin with" Ewan is God's child and God has already written his story. Before Ewan even came to be in your womb, God knew the way Ewan's life would play out, chapter by chapter. You and James are his Earthly parents and are just along for the ride. There was a reason God gave Ewan to you - and you to Ewan. Our God is a God of miracles. I truly believe that. Hold on to the hope that your son will one day read these words of hope and encouragement and most of all love that strangers are leaving for your family. May he always feel surrounded by that hope and love.

Shannon Egan

tea said...

He is so sweet. Keeping you all in my prayers.

ANewKindOfPerfect said...

I love the videos - what a sweet adorable boy he is! I can totally relate to this post. When things are happening BANG BANG fast, you don't have time to panic. You sign papers, consent to whatever, and wait anxiously for it to be over. When there's a lull afterwards and you have time to sit and think and heart can digest all that your brain has been digesting for a while ... that's when we crash.

I pray that as they warm Ewan up he can successfully be weaned from ECMO and will prove to them what a strong amazing baby he is!

Katie said...

Oh Kirsten, he's absolutely precious. I love him with his binky! Praying that you're letting yourself "just be"...you've been through so much this past week, don't be hard on yourself. Cling to your hubby and the love your share for your sweet babe. Hold fast to God's promises, He's there, holding Ewan as he recovers and rests. Hope remains!!! Love to you and big heart hugs. Hang in there and know your family is prayed for and thought of throughout our day.

HennHouse said...

What power there is in the dam that breaks, and more power in the God who saw you through those 48 hours.

As difficult as it can be at times, thank you for keeping us updated. It helps to have precise prayer requests.

And I just love you all.

Kimberley said...

he is beautiful and i continue to lift him up to the heavenly father for a complete healing.

christianne said...

Oh my goodness, my heart is feeling the power of these aftershocks in your life. I can only imagine how strong they are, given all you've endured in just the span of one short week, not to mention the intensity of the Thursday-night-to-Friday-morning vigil.

I cannot imagine two people better suited to be little Ewan's parents. God certainly knew what he was doing by entrusting this special little one to you.

I love these two videos. I've watched them both several times and have shared both of them with Kirk. We both see something so special in this little boy's life. He is truly precious, and I love him so already!

Is that James doing the baptism in the first video? I seem to remember you mentioned James was going to do it, but perhaps I misunderstood. Either way, whoever is rubbing this little one's head during that video is doing it with such tenderness and love. So beautiful.

I love you!

xoxo,
Christianne

Wayne and Sue Rasmussen said...

Just got introduced to Team-Ewan on Facebook by a friend. I have gone through and read the entire back story, etc.
Your little Ewan is beautiful and my heart aches for you on one hand, but I am also thankful you have faith in God to see you through.
Beautiful pictures, beautiful videos, beautiful family. God bless you as you seek His face. May God continue to grant you His peace that passes all understanding as you trust Him.

Steph said...

Praise Jesus, Ewan is doing well and being "boring." Fantastic news and I am praising our Lord right now for this miracle and for many more to come. This is amazing and I am so happy for you and your family, and baby Ewan. I will continue to pray. Thank you for the beautiful updates, your eloquent writing, sharing your son & family & yourself with us all, you are incredible and an inspiration.
Take Care,
Steph