07 October 2010

A Holy Moment

Our dear friend Mary was at the baby shower that was held exactly a week before Ewan was born. A gifted photographer, she offered to be there for any important moments we wanted documented. We hoped and prayed that we wouldn't be calling on her for a night like this one.

When we knew we had to say goodbye to Ewan, I knew I wanted her there. When I called her, she did not hesitate in coming. As difficult as we knew it would be to view the images of that night again -- as much pain as we knew they would recall -- we knew they would be invaluable to us, their significance surpassing words. Aside from her skill as a photographer, we knew she would be the one who would love us and our child, and to treat these last hours with Ewan with surpassing love, dignity, and compassion.


Click to view larger image

This photo just slays me. I don't know how else to say it. I see the love we have for our son. I see your love there, too. I see our grief in letting him go, and our simultaneous acceptance of it. I see someone so innocent and not meant for this earth resting peacefully in our arms -- and looking at him, I wonder if just maybe he was too good for this place. I wonder if like his namesake Eliezer, he would say, Do not delay me. The LORD has made my mission successful. Now let me go back to my Master. I see the cross. I see the Trinity. I see the Blessed Mother. I see the dream and the nightmare holding hands, the darkness and the light bleeding together.

But the light is always more powerful than the darkness. No matter how dark the night, even the smallest pinprick of light pierces through. I really can't take any credit for Ewan, or for the light he shed. I'm certain that he gave me enough mystery to unravel for the rest of my life, even should that be another fifty or sixty years.

Sweet baby, you never really belonged to me. My understanding of what this means barely scratches the surface of the truth. Until my dying breath, I will miss you and weep for the loss of you, but thank God in every tear that I was the one called your mother.

43 comments:

Gina said...

That photo is amazing.

The Emery's said...

Beautifully said Kirsten...your words grip my heart with such force...I love you...thank you for sharing your beautiful precious little Ewan with the rest of us. We are blessed because of it. Much love~

terri said...

thank you for inviting us into that place with you. he's so beautiful kirsten. and so are you and james. another pieta.

Michelle Lewis said...

The photo is beautiful. It makes me cry, as I see all the same emotions in that photo as I felt when we lost Jack. A picture really is worth a thousand words.

These words by John Donne particularly spoke to me after we lost Jack:

No man is an island, entire of itself
every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main
if a clod be washed away by the sea,
Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were,
as well as if a manor of thy friends or of thine own were
any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind
and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls
it tolls for thee.

Your child touched many lives, and will forever be a part of them.

Anonymous said...

I have no words. My heart aches for you. Prayers for strength today. Rest peacefully sweet Ewan.

Tara said...

Such an amazing, intimate glimpse at what you are going through...there are no words. Praying for you with love. Peace be with you, sweet friend.

KLaw said...

I shed countless tears last night when I saw this photo on facebook. I wish your heart and mind to be at peace. We love you.

di said...

"this photo just slays me" are the perfect words to describe the feeling this image invokes. it truly reflects the Trinity. and infinitely more. love to you three.

Nonny Baby said...

Kirsten, your words are almost too much to bear. Thank you for sharing this most tender and intimate moment with the rest of us. Thank you for the reminder that our children are not our own, though that doesn't make it easier to let them go from this world to the next. May God bless you and keep you. May the Lord make His face to shine upon you, and give you peace.

Summre

Ausmerican Housewife said...

He's beautiful. We had a professional come in and take pictures of us with our little Evan the day before we let him go. It was a relief to know that someone else was taking over paparazzi duty and we could have the memories of just being with our son and documenting him with his family. They are some of my favorite photos of his 4 days and 2 hours of life. Our good friend J is the one that recommended S come in and take them. J was with us when Evan died and took photos of his first and only bath, us dressing him, etc. It creeped out some of our family but they are the only photos we will have of him. I'm glad you have such beautiful photos of Ewan. They are hard to look at but as time goes on, I can't get enough of Evan's.

Still praying for you and your husband and your families.

Anonymous said...

Kirsten~thank you so much for sharing this with us. There are no words to say. sending you love and hugs <3 xo

Hope's Blog said...

Beautiful...the picture, words, and the love you have for Ewan.

Nickie said...

The love is so evident in that photo...that beautiful photo. And your words are so beautiful and touching. And your last words... that is the most beautiful thing I have ever read. I am thankful that you are allowing virtual strangers into your intimate moments; and I cry with you. You are an amazing mother, an amazing woman, and an amazing Christian example. My heart is full of love for you both, and I pray for you everyday.

hopeannfaith said...

Kirsten,
Yours and James' graciousness in sharing your experience, your mighty son, your lives, joy and now this sorrow with all of us is astounding to me. Your eloquence, your very loving grace is exactly why God chose you as the vessel to bring Ewan's mission to pass. As much as God chose and sent Ewan on this mission of light, He very much chose you and James to be the parent's who would allow this mission to manifest. You see the trinity there?
Father, Mother and Son...it's always Trinity that ushers us into the throne room of the Almighty God. And one day, you will look at all of this...and know that the jewels in your crowns in heaven are cemented because of your obedience, your counsel, your readiness to do this the way God mapped it all out.
I am humbled and honored to have been included. Like I have already said, I stand in awe of what Ewan has accomplished here, what your family has accomplished here, for the Kingdom!
Blessings Love and Peace and the Rest of God.
Much Love,
Andrea

Anonymous said...

Amazing. Thank you so much for sharing your journey and Ewan's with us, even this very personal, beyond-words moment. You both continue to be in my daily thoughts and prayers.

Sending love,
Jennifer Hood

Nadine said...

You are such an amazing writer...you get me everytime!!! Though my heart is broken for you, I think you're so right...He must have been too precious for this world! Such a beautiful baby, one that has touched more lives than I could ever hope to touch in an entire lifetime! I love this image of the three of you. It is so very precious! I'm so glad she was able to be there to photograph those last moments for you, even though they were and still are very painful for you...pictures are so very precious to have! All my love Mamma Ewan! :)

melifaif said...

I have no words. Just tears and prayers. Many many prayers. May God continue to bless you.

Bethany said...

Praying that God may put his healing hands on your heart. Thank you for sharing this very raw and intimate moment with us...your story has truly changed my life.

Sarah said...

No words, but sending you love today.

Dawn Bent said...

That photo is beautiful.. he looks so peaceful. There is so much to that photo... thank you for sharing this and I will keep praying and thinking of you and your family.. much much love,
The Bents in Colorado

Anonymous said...

I only recently learned of Ewan and have spent the last two days glued to my computer reading all the posts and catching up on things.

My heart breaks for you. You couldn't have said it any better when you said there are no words that anyone can say you make things better. And, I understand that people say things with good intent that crush you on the inside. I've dealt with that first hand, though my circumstances were so very different.

I just wanted to tell you that I am thinking of you. Often. It's probably weird getting love from total strangers, but I'm sending you some. May God bless you.

5lbs said...

Thank you for sharing your baby and the peace he brought you, with us.

Becky said...

Kirsten, Thank you for letting us into this special moment, sharing your broken heart this way. Sweet Baby Ewan has completely penetrated our hearts - precious little one. Feel our hugs around you today...

Tracey - Just Another Mommy Blog said...

I am so incredibly sorry that his time was so short on Earth. My heart goes out to you and your family...

Lisette said...

Such a beautiful picture! May the Lord continue to bless you and wrap you in his warmth ((HUGS))

Alisha said...

May the peace of Christ be with you. Your son and your story have moved mountains within me as I anticipate the birth of my own baby. Thank you for sharing your love, passion and pain through this journey. You are remarkable parents.

deb said...

I have nothing to add.
This photo, and your words ,
silence me
and yet
illuminate.

peace be with you

tea said...

I don't know what to say, Kirsten.. but I want you to know that I'm here thinking about you and your family, and praying for you. Your words are filled with such truth, and my heart is so heavy for you..
love to you <3

Leslie said...

Yes. Just, yes. He is so beautiful.

Lorelei said...

Kirsten - I just found out about your story through Facebook, and have wept my way through your beautiful, heart-wrenching posts. You are so amazingly strong - and so wonderfully vulnerable. Thank you for the amazing witness you bear for Christ. Ewan was very lucky to have you for his mommy. I am praying that God will remain completely present in your heart and lives - that He will bear you up and bring comfort and peace to your grieving hearts - and in time, joy. Know you are loved and prayed for by many you have never even met (I'm one of them!). God bless you!

ZooMama said...

Just a sigh and another breathed prayer on your behalf. He's beautiful.

HennHouse said...

Beautiful.

Love you.

christianne said...

Oh, Kirsten, what you wrote here is just so beautiful ... meaning, your heart is so beautiful. I love how you love Ewan, sweet mama. xoxo

Rebecca said...

Sweet Kirsten, you have moved me to tears once again. You are so beautiful. The glory of God is shining so brightly through you in the midst of this dark valley of suffering.

I love the verse you included about Eliezer. How absolutely perfectly you named that dear little child. Names are very significant, and I believe God gave that name to you because it was the name Ewan was meant to have from all eternity past.

You have a deep and lovely soul, my friend. Ewan had the same. I could see it in his eyes--so peaceful and pure and deep. He took after you in that regard. He was absolutely beautiful.

Ellen said...

Beautiful baby boy...beautiful words. Thank you for sharing this time with us.

Kamille said...

thank you for sharing your story & Ewan's. I've been following it since Melissa Elsner (along with so many mutual friends) have posted it on FB. This picture tears my heart and I wanted to let you know how beautiful Ewan is.

Mama Zen said...

No words. Just tears and prayers.

Laura said...

You do not know me...I read a bit about your story, Ewan's story, on Deb's blog, Talk at the Table...I felt compelled to stop by and say simply that I am deeply sorry for your loss. Your time with your beautiful baby was so brief, so unfair, and yet clearly, he did what he came to do...to love you...to open you and your family to a love deeper than you had known before...may this sweet blessing...your sweet beautiful boy rest peacefully...and may his memory always, ALWAYS be a blessing in your hearts.

gentle steps

Joelle said...

Tears.

jflannery said...

I come here, to this poetic place you call your blog. I come here to commune with you. Pray with you. Grieve with you.

Forever changed by the gifts that are James, Kirsten, and Ewan.

Jodi, TOF mommy from Iowa

Carolina Carters said...

You have such an amazing way with words Kirsten.

Thank you for sharing your precious boy with us, because we do love him so. That is in incredible picture and Ewan is absolutely beautiful.

Praying for your family!!

Lucia said...

I am deeply sorry for your loss. He was and is a beautiful baby. I didn't find this out til today. I am so sad, I was hoping he would make it. It is none of your fault. How do I say it? I don't know. But he is in a good place and in peace looking upon you and watching you. I know you both are grieving hard. I'd like to extend a hug for you two, in cyberspace. He was a sweet boy and you were lucky to have two weeks with him, and unlucky that you didn't get more than that, that you don't get to see him grow up. I am deeply sorry for that. Bless that sweet little boy. He was so precious, from what I have seen in your pictures. I offer you my condolences for your loss. I know that this may not be enough, but I wanted to. You sarificed so much so that you could give your son life. He is no longer suffering. He is now at peace. ((((hugs)))) I hope you will become at peace with his passing soon. I know it's hard. I've lost people I loved so much. Grief is the worst thing. Hang in there. You shall get through this. I hope you consider this a nice comment, because you said in a previous post that you've recieved not so nice comments from some well meaning people. I hope I am not one of them.

May your son be blessed in a good place. (sorry, I am not very religious).

Thank you for sharing Ewan's story and life with us. It meant a lot.

<3

- Lucia

di said...

I keep remembering this image. I wrote down lyrics to a song I heard just days after seeing this for the first time that speak of the Father and Son, but I see these words in this picture of your family, too.

How great the pain of searing loss
the father turns his face away
as wounds that mar the chosen one
bring many sons to glory

Love to you and James.