08 October 2010

If only I could scream loud enough.

I feared precisely this when I was pregnant: being one of the moms who lost, like some of the blogs I had followed prior to Ewan's birth. I followed the footsteps of others who walked a path of grief and infant loss, who knew what it was to love so fiercely and fight for a child. Moms who lost. Moms who trod through the Valley of the Shadow. However much they inspired me with their tenacity and courage, with their fierce and raw emotion, I didn't want to be one of them.

No one chooses this.

Ewan's service is on Saturday -- the day he would have been three weeks old. We had to e-mail our choices for Scriptures, prayers, and pictures to the funeral home. I sat typing away on the computer at the desk that is in Ewan's room. As I took in my surroundings, I wanted to scream: the diapers washed and folded, the clothes laundered and hanging up, the empty crib behind me. It was all for him. 

I fit in my normal pre-pregnancy clothes now; it doesn't even look like I had a baby recently. This would be the cause of celebration for so many new moms but for me is a bittersweet point of mourning -- it feels like people should know, that they should just be able to see -- that he's not here, but should be. Instead, so much of the world around us goes on not knowing that a lovely boy named Ewan was here for a short while and is no longer with us.

It all makes me want to scream until my throat is raw and scarred with the screaming. And so I scream, pound my fists on the carpet, and cry until I'm just a heap on the floor. There's a part of me that feels like if I could only scream loud enough, pound hard enough, find the bottom of the place in my soul from which I could cry hard enough -- that it should bring him back healthy and whole. That God and the universe would recognize the sheer injustice of burying a baby and somehow correct the situation.

It isn't fair. I want my baby back.

I say these over and over again, as if repeating them enough, loud enough, long enough, hard enough, sad enough could bring him back. Understanding that it never will, I continue anyway. I don't know what else there is to say.



54 comments:

Joy said...

That invisible gaping wound is one of the worst parts of this good-bye. No-one can see by looking just how broken your heart is.

Praying for you. Crying with you.

(We said goodbye to an 8-year-old girl with heart defects almost exactly 2 years ago. )

Anonymous said...

Oh, Kirsten, my heart aches for you. I have experienced the NICU and the days of hoping and praying that everything would be ok. I am one of the lucky ones. For that, I'm eternally grateful, but at the time I feel guilty because I know there are mom's who weren't as lucky.

I haven't been able to stop thinking about you. I will continue to pray for you. God bless!

KLaw said...

Those photos are beautiful. I am weeping with you.

MommyMonkey said...

It's not fair!!!

I don't know what else to say. I only know you and your family through your blog but I am so so sorry. What an emotional and personal video. Ewan brought such light to this world though for way too short of a time. I grieve with you and pray for Ewan and your entire family and will be sending you extra special prayers of strength on Saturday.

May God bless you.

Sincerely,
Debbie

Bethany said...

Nothing I say, or anybody says is going to losen the hurt your heart feels. So, I just wanted to extend a loving "thinking of you" and praying for your family.

Danielle said...

Oh, Kirsten, my heart continues to break along with yours. I completely understand, yet there are never enough words or descriptions to convey this overwhelming amount of hurt, pain and sorrow to those who have not walked this path. It is not fair. It is not right. I cry and scream right along with you.
I will be praying for you and James tomorrow as you honor beautiful, sweet Ewan and his very important life. I know it will be a hard day; no mother should EVER have to bury her child. Although it doesn't offer much solace in the midst of everything, please know that we continue to lift you in prayer and surround you in love through everything. My heart breaks with yours...

Kelly Langner Sauer said...

oh K. my heart is reaching for you. so is His; beat on His chest for a while. I can see Him taking it, weeping with you.

damn this helplessness...

Summer {Bisfor...} said...

you are right. it is not fair. not at all. i wish i knew what the heck to say to you right now. all i know is this pain is real and it sucks more than anything. pound your fists and embrace the pain and i just pray with time, it fades a little more...

hopeannfaith said...

Kirsten and James,
There are no words...none.
All I can offer is my deepest sorrow and prayer for you and your family.
Praying Continually.
Thank you for sharing this with us, you continue to mend the wounds of others as you extend this rare gift of yourselves and your son's dynamic life with the world.
Andrea

christianne said...

My heart is broken with yours. And I can feel in what you say that effort you are searching for to get to the bottom of the pain in your soul in order to pull it up with all the strength you have so you create a scream large and loud enough to bring him back. I can feel that in what you say. I wish this could be true for you, too.

I hate this for you. It's unreal to me that this is your truth right now. I hate it. I wish God could give him back.

I'm carrying you in my heart today and tomorrow, and always. I love you.

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for sharing such private, moving beautiful images. Ewans story has affected me so much and the desire to live my live with purpose is stronger than ever. Know that your little boy touched my life.

Denise said...

For nearly three years (October 15 will mark three years since we lost our son) I have asked the same question, screamed the same question in my head over and over again and begged for answers on why my baby had to say good-bye.

I wish there were answers, I wish there was someone to tell me why, but sadly there isn't and I have, through time, been able to find peace and thankfulness that we were able to be blessed with him for as long as we were. I pray that you are able to find peace.

melifaif said...

Ewan is so handsome. My heart is aching for your loss. Please know many are praying for your comfort.

Nadine said...

crying with you...

Andrew & Melissa said...

I was looking at the precious photos of Ewan, and my Lucy, who's 20 months old, came to snuggle on my lap. She started commenting on the pictures, saying normal things like, "Mommy, Daddy, Grandma, baby, monkey, sad" (that last one probably because I was crying). Then we got to one shot of sweet Ewan with his eyes closed, and she said, "Baby night-night," which just did me in. On one shot where you could see the incision on his chest, she said, "Baby owie," and I said she was right, that the baby had an owie, but that he was healed now. The next picture was one of the three of you all together, and Lucy looked at that picture and said, "Jesus!" I'm not kidding. Out of the mouths of babes, right? Jesus was there with you, and the Father knows your pain. My husband and I are praying for you, and will continue to pray for you. Much love, Melissa Viss

Jennifer said...

....always will be a spot in my heart for Ewan......

Praying (and crying) with you.....

Courtney said...

What a beautiful and loving send-off to a beautiful and loved boy. It brought tears to my eyes and a lump to my throat.

Your Ewan's story has touched me. You wish that he would inspire others to appreciate their loved-ones and be brought closer to God has been granted.

Every night since Ewan's birth, when I tuck my daughter into bed, I think of you and Ewan. I hold her tight, I say a prayer of thanksgiving for my daughter, and I ask God to be with you at this seemingly impossible time.

Ewan's story, your story has touched me. He won't be forgotten.

My prayer- May the Holy Spirit be with you and your family as you grieve. May God grant you peace.

Anonymous said...

No words would make a difference. I just wanted to say that Ewan and his little heart has touched many people around the world. During his short lifespan he was known and loved by so many. I have been following your team ewan blog for a few months now from Germany and am full of sadness and in tears have been reading today that sweet ewan's heart wasn't strong enough to live on in this beautiful world.
You and your familiy are beautiful people and had so much love to give. I am sending lots of strength, love, peace and good wished to you and you family for the days to come especially tomorrow. Be strong!

Love Sun

Anonymous said...

I am thinking and praying for you. I hope that you find small moments of peace especially in the days to follow. We lost our daughter at two months from HRHS under very similar conditions. Seconds of peace were the only moments I had, intially, God has now given me more. Keep your head held high and know you will be with your sweet son again.

4monkeys said...

We don't know each other, but I have to tell you that your Ewan has touched my heart and changed my life in an unexplainable way. My heart ached for you and I cry bitter tears for you and your husband every day. I will think of Ewan for the rest of my life....all my prayers to you....

terri said...

it's not right. it's not supposed to be this way.

holding you still. my heart is screaming with you.

Anonymous said...

Kirsten, some people only dream of angels....you held one in your arms. I continue to cry tears of sadness, tears of sorrow and tears of anger at the injustice of Ewan's all too short life. I can only hope that one day when you feel a gentle breeze on your cheek you know that it is Ewan's fingertips touching your skin.

Your strength and grace continue to inspire me.

Shannon Egan

sarahww said...

I am so moved by your description of fitting into your old clothes, but how they somehow don't fit you anymore. You are not the same person, but it's not physical. Like another commenter said, it's the invisible, gaping wound. What a haunting, devastating image.

All good thoughts, love and hope coming your way this weekend and beyond.

Jen said...

I cannot get you off my mind. Ewan and you are in my thoughts daily. I'll be thinking of you tomorrow as you honor the special life of your sweet baby, who touched so many. I am so sorry. :(

Jen

Sarah said...

Standing next to you today, to hold and love and scream. It's not right. He should be here. I'll never forget that you had him.

Anonymous said...

May you keep screaming...

longing for the day when Justice and Mercy Will forever Win

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing photos of your precious son. I weep for you today.

Anonymous said...

Kirsten, I am so saddened by the loss of your sweet Ewan. I must confess that I have never posted a comment on a blog before but I've been so touched by your story and just wanted to reach out to you. Somehow, by the grace of God, I recently stumbled upon your site. Your photos just captivated me, and began to read and was amazed. Since then I've been checking back regularly and praying for you and James faithfully. Yesterday, as I read your update, I just couldn't stop the tears. They were the tears of a fellow mother who knows how loving a child changes a person forever. You are so right-it's just not fair to say good-bye so soon. Your send-off is such a touching tribute a beautiful, sweet little boy. Even though we are opposite sides of the country, I can't begin to tell you the impact that your story has had on my life. Ewan has touched so many hearts and serves as a reminder to all of everything that we sometimes take for granted. Take care and know that your fellow sisters in Christ will be holding you up in prayer as you face the difficult days ahead. As you once said, the light is always stronger than the darkness--and I cannot help but wonder the number of ways that Ewan's light will continue to shine. May God's love and grace sustain you as only HE can. Much love to you my friend.

not2brightGRAM said...

"Be gracious to me, O Lord, for I am languishing;
heal me, O Lord, for my bones are troubled.

My soul also is greatly troubled.
But you, O Lord—how long?

I am weary with my moaning;
every night I flood my bed with tears;
I drench my couch with my weeping.

My eye wastes away because of grief;
it grows weak because of all my foes.

Depart from me, all you workers of evil,
for the Lord has heard the sound of my weeping."

Psalm 6: 2,3,6,7,8

I don't know how else to answer your anguish.

tea said...

Kirsten, .
..I'm so sorry. <3

Mamabear3 said...

The King family is sending you love and prayers!

HennHouse said...

Love you.

EugenieV said...

I am so very sorry. I can't even begin to imagine the pain you're going through, but please know our hearts are broken for you. You've been in our prayers since I first found your blog several weeks ago, and now that Ewan is with Jesus we are still lifting you and your husband up in prayer and will continue to do so.

God is with you. I know you believe that. And Ewan will not be forgotten.

I am so sorry.

Jacky and Morris Bridgewater

Anonymous said...

Dearest Kirsten and James,
I wanted to share, that even little hearts are praying for you. Tucker prayed for dinner last night but hesitated before finishing and continued. "God please help Auntie Jill to be happy and have fun in heaven and help baby Ewan to get the right medicine so he can get better. Amen" He just lost his Auntie 3 weeks ago and we havnt been able to tell him yet that Ewan is now playing with her in heaven in his new perfect body. While he prayed Evan and I looked at each other and almost cried for we knew the painful truth. We were touched by Tucker's concern and desire to ask God to heal Ewan, your Ewan. I guess God did choose to heal him, but to bring him back home to do it. We grieve with you as you say goodbye.
love, Carrie, Evan, Emily and Tucker
p.s. Everything in me wants to be there with you both tomorrow and just sit with you. I am so so sorry we will not! And I love Ewan's little monkey. I bet he would have been one too, as you shared how active he was during your pregnancy (=

Lindsey said...

What a beautiful send off. Ewan is so handsome and you have a beautiful family. You are in my heart today, tomorrow and always.

Lindsey

Anonymous said...

Those pictures are beautiful and amazing. Thank you again for sharing this moment that is beyond words with us.

Crying, praying, and sending love, Jennifer Hood

Melissa said...

Dear Kirsten, Thank you for sharing the holy with us. Ewan is beautiful, and so is his story. Precious in the eyes of God are the deaths of His little ones. His life is written on the pages of heaven.

Sending warms thought and lifting prayers on your behalf. May God keep you close.

Agnes said...

So much Love .... and so much pain.
I am so sorry Kirsten and James.

Gina said...

Those pictures are breathtaking. Thank you for sharing them.

Jodi said...

I hate this for you. From the bottom of my soul, I hate it. There are no words for this slideshow. It is incredible. You are sharing him so well, and it is such a gift to us. Thank you. Continuing to cry and pray.

Connie Mace said...

Know this Kirsten...in these moments of raw pain...your name is lifted up in The Presence of The Comforter.

Shannon said...

Heavenly Father I come to you tonight to ask for you to wrap your loving arms arund Kristen & James during this time and give them the peace and comfort that they need.Please let them know that they are loved and cared for and not alone. Amen

Anonymous said...

My heart breaks for you. 30 years ago my arms ached to hold once again the precious baby boy I had so briefly held against my heart as I rocked him. Times were different then. I wasn't allowed to grieve out loud, no one said anything to me because they didn't know what to say.

It may seem a small blessing at this time, but you are so blessed to be here in 2010. People will let you talk but I want to recommend Grief Share to you. Sometime in the days ahead, those who care about you will be busy with their own lives and you may suddenly feel alone in your grief. If there is an infant loss support group go. If not, look for a Grief Share in your area. They will let you cry and share. And they will show you how to find joy again.
You will never get over it, but you will get through it. Grieve however you want. Your grief is personal to you, but there are others who know your pain. God Bless!

Rhiannon said...

Thank you for sharing the pictures of your sweet Ewan. He was beautiful. I have cried & screamed and cried & screamed some more, all in hopes that it would bring my baby back. I know that desperate feeling that never lets up. I also know the feeling of wishing you had some type of external scar or even a sign on you back that would tell your story so people would 'get it'. It is such a lonely place sometime. I am so sorry that you are joining this sad club. Thinking of you and your sweet angel tonight. <3 <3

Aimee said...

I can't even begin to imagine what you are feeling right now. My heart aches for you and your family. Praying that God will comfort you as only He can during this difficult time. Thank you for sharing your precious Ewan with us.

Anonymous said...

Dear Family of Ewan,

Nothing about what happened is fair. Please know that while the world does continue to spin, it has been changed forever due to Ewan's short stay here.

When I would wake up in the morning, for one split second I could believe that losing my girls was a dream and then reality came crashing down on me. People would tell me to take it one day at a time but it was difficult to get thru one minute at a time. I'm so sorry that you have joined this sad club.

Wishing you strength and love for Ewan's service on Saturday.

With love, prayers and hope
Maria

Shay said...

my heart is breaking and I am weeping for you and with you...Ewan has changed the world...I wish there was something I could say or do to bring him back...all I can do is pray...thank you for sharing these beautiful photos! I love you!

An Okie's Mama said...

I have never met you but have been lifting you and your family up in prayer since I first read about Ewan a few days before he went to Heaven. I am very sorry for your loss and will continue to pray for you in the coming days.

felmleyfam said...

"I know we will get through this, and I know there is hope. I know there will continue to be those days that are good and those that are not. All we can do is take it a minute and a step at a time, praying through every moment, being open to what comes, talking about everything. We will breathe in and out, stepping again, and give ourselves and each other the grace that we need to be where we are."
praying your own words over you. praying for tomorrow. deeply saddened.grieving with you. thinking of you.
sincerely,
karen

Anonymous said...

Mama Ewan, we all share in your sorrow and desperately wish we could carry some of your overwhelming pain for you. Ewan will never ever ever be forgotten. Christa

Heather and Adam said...

Baby Ewan has touched my life in more ways than you will ever know. Im praying for you family

Molly Alisa Photography said...

Kristen, I do not know you, but I am friends with Jill.


She pointed me to your blog, and I prayed for Ewan. I prayed for Joshua. I had hope for both of these sweet, sweet boys.



I know there is nothing I can say or do, but I wanted you to know that I will be mourning and celebrating Ewan today as we do the same for Joshie.


I am praying for your family. I will never forget beautiful Ewan. I am sorry for your loss, with deep aching in my soul for you.



Ewan and Joshie changed everything for me. I feel so honored to have followed their stories, and to have been been a warrior in prayer on their behalves.

Stefenie said...

Kirsten,
My heart aches for you today as you lay sweet Ewan to rest. You are never far from my mind and I pray you feel God's arms around you today.
{{{HUG}}}

Tiffany said...

I am new to your blog.. Found your blog from In this Wonderful life.

I am praying for your family. I pray God wraps his loving arms around you tighter today than any other day. The slideshow is beautiful of sweet Ewan.

Thank you for sharing your story with us. I will add your family to our church prayer chain.