21 November 2010

Sometimes ...

... this feels too horrid to be real.

... the only thing that stops me from crying all night is that I lack the energy to keep it up.

... I reach out and touch the computer screen or a photograph, hoping I can feel his skin or his hair again.

... my heart feels like it's caving in.

... I wonder how it will be to have days again where I am not mostly sad.

... it's hard to breathe.

29 comments:

Susan Gilchrist said...

You are SO strong. You may not feel it right now, but your faith and love for your son are inspiring people all over the world. Stay strong. God will never give us more than we can handle. Wish I had more support to offer, but I truly can't imagine what you are going through. My heart breaks for you daily.

Kristine said...

Sending you so much love. I didn't believe people when they told me. I didn't think it was possible. But, one day, you just start to walk again, because you have to. You walk and it hurts but you walk. I wish I could take that pain from you, but in the meantime, I'm here holding your hand from afar.

alongkindoflove said...

*Hugs* sweet lady...
I don't have anything that will make this better or easier but know that you have a lot of people thinking and praying for you!!
xo

Shay said...

I agree with Susan...you are SO strong! I read your post and the "Footprints" story came to my mind. God is carrying you and holding you. I wish there were words to say...all I can do is pray, and that is enough! lots of love and prayers coming your way, today and always! xoxo

Anonymous said...

Family of Ewan,

There are no words that will make this better or easier.

Other moms who have lost their children tell me that eventually you adjust/accept your 'new normal' and your pain is not so raw anymore. I'm slowly adjusting to my 'new normal' but that didn't stop me from sobbing in the shower today.

Just wanted you to know that you are not alone. Be kind to yourself.

With love, prayers and hope
Maria

tea said...

I'm so sorry, Kirsten. Praying for you tonight.
Love to you <3

terri said...

this is where the internet falls so short. but then again, everything else does too. i'm sorry kirsten. so, so sorry. i'm hurting for you tonight.

Charley said...

I'm sorry for the constant loss in your heart and soul.

Charley
http://girlwiththegoldenheart.blogspot.com

Anonymous said...

A minister told me that grief is work; work that must be done. It's the kind of work we don't want, for sure. Your baby is worth your tears, but if he could, he would tell you not to be too sad.

I will tell you truly, that one day, it will just dawn on you that you feel a little bit better.

The Real Life of a Red Head said...

just love from me to you. so much love.

HennHouse said...

Love you.

Jess said...

Thank you for your honesty. My heart is with yours. Praying that God can be whatever you need Him to, just for you, just right now. xxx

Sarah said...

I wish I could put my arms around you tonight and sit with you on that couch again. I love you so much tonight, and my heart aches for yours.

Lisa said...

much love, and many prayers...

felmleyfam said...

thank you for sharing
thank you for telling us these details that we might lift you up all the more to the Lord, continually asking for His comfort and help upon you, in special ways. that in the depth of grief you may feel his depth of mercy. praying for you. saddened by your loss. wishing you could have that little son in your arms, and feel his soft skin and silky hair. oh, heartache!

Anonymous said...

Please know that you continue to be in the prayers of my husband and I daily. I can't pretend to know exactly how you feel, but I know what grief is and how debilitating in can be. But remember that God is there, and will always be, and your precious baby is right there with Him, waiting for you. {{{{{}}}}

Genie

christianne said...

As I read these words, I can see your tender face thinking them, feeling them, saying them. I can see you sitting at your computer screen, feeling so much that you don't even see the screen in front of you, perhaps turning around the looking at those photos on your refrigerator. I can see you sitting on your couch, your knees pulled up to your chest, your arms around them, your head resting. Just feeling the sadness of this all.

I wish I was there still to hold your hand in the quietness and sadness. Love you.

Nadine said...

Much love for you my friend! I wish I could hold you up and help you get through this...there is nothing in the world I can imagine being more painful than losing your baby...especially being a mommy now. I can imagine how much you hurt. It brings me to tears daily when we think about Ewan, you and James. You guys are always in our hearts and on our minds. Please know that we love you and will continue to pray for GOD to give you strength, peace and healing. Love you.

erin said...

i'm hearing where you are right now, mama. honouring this space- the emotions that must come. the thoughts, and the unfairness of it all.
continue to be just as you are..
the 'one days' and what have you are just that. one day. today. today can be a sad day. today can be a day to gravely miss ewan.
today, i'm wrapping you up in love- holding a space for you to talk. spill. say whatever you need without a second thought.

Stefenie said...

{{{HUG}}} Thinking of you! Praying for you! Hugging you from afar!

Karol said...

"It's hard to breathe." And so it is with this thing called grief. It is a physical, palpable pain that makes us unsure that we will be able to find one more breath. As for the days when we are not so sad? I have found that the answer to this is not to look for the sadness to diminish, but to find a place where sadness and joy are able to coexist.

Praying for you

emily said...

Praying for you!

Katie said...

So sad for you too. My prayers are with you guys. Hang in there...heart hugs.

Chrissie said...

Lifting you up in prayer. I just can't imagine the journey you are on. Watching the snow fall and thinking of you today xx

Carolina Carters said...

Hugs and prayers!

Tiffany said...

Hi Kirsten.
I'm so sorry. I'll keep praying for you. I wish there was more I could say or do to help.
I really hope I'll be able to handle future adversity with the grace and strength and honesty you've shown. And although I didn't comment on your post about grief books and what the ideal would be like, I think you should be the one to write it. You have a gift of honest expression.
I hope you're okay.
God bless,
Tiffany

Steph said...

You are an inspiration to everyone. You are so strong. My heart aches for you when I read your emotions...it is just so heart-wrenching. I pray for you. I pray for your family. I pray for Ewan and know he prays and watches over you. Take care.

Anonymous said...

Kirsten, I can't say I know what it's like to go through this horrible loss. Your loss is any mother's worst fear. I pray that you feel the love of your beloved Ewan from up above. God Bless you both.

Holly said...

Sending LOVE, HOPE, PRAYERS and HUGS. I wish it could be more.