|a grateful mama|
Several friends and acquaintances have either had babies recently or announced pregnancies. Seeing or hearing these announcements was not difficult for me at first, when shock protected me from the worst of the pain. But that has changed. I want to be happy for every one of them, I genuinely do. And it's not the case that I wish any of them anything but healthy, uneventful pregnancies and perfect little babies.
It's not even the case that their joy reminds me of what I've lost. I haven't forgotten.
But the good news prods at an open wound that is slow to heal, poking at particular nerves that cry out with the pain of what we have lost each time I hear of or see someone else's joy.
From what I know of grief, it isn't something to be gotten over. It is a burden the grieved learn to assimilate, to absorb into who they are, and the carrying gets easier not with time, but with practice. And so I am practicing. I am resigned to the fact that there always be a part of me weeping over a small plot of earth where a little body -- one who had left mine just three weeks prior -- was buried.
I will always be sad that he's gone. But today, instead of focusing on the fact that he died, I choose to focus on being grateful that he was here. I am thankful for the boy who was nothing like I expected, but everything I wanted; who was as tender as he was fierce, who loved as hard as he fought.
What are you thankful for today?