27 November 2010

Once Upon a Time ...

I had a baby. I remember it.

He was born ten weeks ago today. It feels sometimes like something I dreamed of, beautiful and terrible and vivid and over much too quickly. A still-soft belly and faded line down the middle remind me he was here, that I held him. That he was mine for a time.

Before surgery

He was so beautiful. I look now at pictures of him before the surgery and after -- it was more than an open chest that made him look so different: older, somehow. Was it an innocence lost, or a wisdom gained? Or both? And then I couldn't hold him anymore, when (perhaps) we both needed that the most.

After surgery

He had to leave us; his heart was too broken to be mended. So is mine, childless mother that I am.

I will always be thankful that he was here, that I held him. That once upon a time, I had a baby. His name is Ewan, and I did not dream him up.

23 comments:

Anonymous said...

You still have Ewan. He is in your heart, he is in your eyes and perhaps most importantly he is in your soul. You WILL see him again. Have faith in that. I know it is probably not much considering you want to reach out and touch him....but you will, one day, you will.

Shannon Egan

Anonymous said...

I love how he is looking right at you in both pictures! He seems so focused on you like he is seeking strength from you and I certain in my heart that he did. I don't understand why the journey's of some are days and not decades. Perhaps understanding isn't the goal but somehow acceptance may be. I hurt with you.

tea said...

This makes my heart so heavy for you, Kirsten. I'm so sorry for the pain you are living with. ..Praying for you during this time. <3

Andrea Hutchinson said...

Praying for your broken heart Love! For peace and relief, if even short, from your pain. ♥

Andrea (Hopeannfaith)

Carolina Carters said...

Wow, I never really thought of it like that....tears for you, friend! And lots of prayers.

And no, you didn't dream him up. We all remember him and his sweet, wise, beautiful little face.

The Real Life of a Red Head said...

loving you.

omahadoulamom said...

Sending so many hugs and prayers. I don't know you & only started following you shortly before your sweet baby passed but my heart is breaking for you. I'm so sorry this is so devastingly hard. I know nothing I say can change anything but I will keep praying for comfort & peace.

Sarah said...

Oh little man and his mama. Thinking of you big time today.

christianne said...

That's right: you did not dream him up. And all of us are here as witnesses to that fact, too. Love that little boy, and also love his mama something fierce.

Anonymous said...

Tears for you...I remember that sweet face. Always will. SarahV.

Shay said...

you are in my thoughts and my prayers always. though I never met him, I feel like I know him. love you!

Emily (Laundry and Lullabies) said...

Sometimes when I have a really vivid, frightening, awful dream, it takes awhile to figure out how to wake up properly - it's like getting stuck in the bad dream. I hate that place. And I wonder if perhaps that is kind of where you're living right now. A bad dream melded with real life. You say it better than I do...

Still praying for you and your husband. Hugs.

melifaif said...

You definitely did not dream him up. His presence is still here....my prayers are with you.

terri said...

I wonder about that sometimes...how it must feel like a dream once in a while. It all happened so fast and changed everything.

This is beautiful Kirsten. Thinking about you all the time and hurting for you.

Rachel Elizabeth said...

No, you did not dream up his wise little soul. He lived and breathed and loved. Wishing you peace.

felmleyfam said...

praying for you. thinking of you.

Heather Best said...

I have been following your blog for several weeks now. I hesitated to post fearing that I might be one of those well-intentioned people who accidently says something that hurts more than helps.
Your writing is so terribly beautiful. Pain and joy and reality and hope fleshed out in such a way that I know exactly what you mean even though I haven't walked your path. Why is it that tragedy gives us such profound wisdom? What you posted about grief being something you practice and not get over...that is perfectly true, but for those who have not truly grieved, well, they still believe that 'time heals all wounds.'
I wish I could be of some help in a more tangible way. Many words are probably not much of a comfort.
I will continue to keep up with your blog, remembering Ewan and his amazing beautiful life, and praying for you and your husband. May the God of all Comfort give you peace and rest.

Stefenie said...

{{{HUG}}} Always praying for you Kirsten.

Ewan was not a dream. He was a real living and breathing beautiful boy. You held him in your arms, smelled his sweet smell, allowed those tiny fingers to curl around yours and gazed into those gorgeous eyes. Although he was only here on earth for a short while you are still his mom and he will always be your son!

Anonymous said...

You do not know me but I have read your blog a few times and I just have to tell you that you are an amazing person and Ewan is very lucky to have a Mother like you!!! I cannot say I know what you are going through but my best friend lost her baby to Polycystic Kidney disease last July and I have witnessed the grief and pain. I pray for you and your husband and I pray that Ewan is watching over you in amazement at what a wonderful person you are!!

Take care and God Bless!
Christie Wright
wrightx32005@yahoo.com

Anonymous said...

You have been blessed with a wisdom that I know you did not want to gain. Your son is always with you, and your heart will always remember and know him. I cry for you, for the pain you suffer and the moments you did not get to experience. Yet you share this pain and joy and his short life with us, people of the unknown, it teaches us that life is short, to love a lot, laugh a lot, and cry a lot with those we truly love. Your path of sharing has enlightened us all and for that I am eternally grateful, although I'm deeply sadden and grieve for the reason why. Ewan lives on in you, your husband, and all those you share him with.

Megan said...

Ewan left you life too quickly. As did my little one. Us as mothers only got a brief second to grab onto what we were supposed to have for the rest of OUR lives. It does feel like a dream... but it's not.
Mr. Ewan, you were born on Savannah's due date. It was a very special day indeed! Because your mommy brought you into the world. <3

Anonymous said...

Oh my, my heart breaks for you. You dont know me, but I have followed this blog since it started. I so wish I could do something to take the pain away. But I cant. I had a child who is now a young adult and she has decided she wants no part of the family anymore. I grieve also, but in a different way as I have not had any closure. I will pray for you.

Kristy said...

Bless you, bless you, Momma. I am so sorry for what you are enduring. Thank you for putting you thoughts in such beautiful words and letting me feel what you feel and learn the lessons you learn.

His eyes seem like there is more wisdom behind them than we'll ever understand...at least while we're here.