16 November 2010

Three Pieces

Grief mostly feels like being really, really tired right now. I used to get by on 6-7 hours a night and now I can wake up after nine hours feeling like I could sleep nine more. I feel exhausted, heavy.

* * *

We went to the cemetery this past weekend. The spot where Ewan's body is buried is not marked yet, but my feet know the way to the patch of earth where the tiny casket was lowered into the ground. Every time we've been there, I stand over the spot where his body is buried -- the body that was still nestled safely in mine just over eight weeks ago -- and wonder at the fact that it is underneath a thick layer of earth. I know it is there, but there is a disconnect. As I look around at the flat markers, I wonder at the stories contained within those narrow date ranges. It is all too much to take in.

* * *

My friends came to be with me, to grieve with me. A hand held, tears shed, sitting together in the space that holds so many evidences of our desire for his life. We dreamed once that perhaps after a bit of trouble, Ewan would be there. And now that space screams at me: he's not, he's not, he's not.

18 comments:

Nikki said...

My heart is so broken for you today. Everyday. I think of you guys so much, and I pray for you.

I wish you didn't have to be without Ewan. I wish things were different. I don't understand why any parent has to bear this cross.

Danna and Kirk said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Danna and Kirk said...

I cannot begin to imagine what you are going through. My heart breaks for what is and what could have been. I am so very sorry that you are going through this, it is something that no parent should ever have to endure. Praying for you.

Sarah said...

Brokenhearted for you, and so glad to have been able to sit there with you. Love!

Andrea Hutchinson said...

I'm praying for your peace! <3....

Danny said...

:(

so sorry friend... i'm glad my mother was able to spend some time with you this weekend. i'm praying for you often these days.

emily said...

Lifting you up in prayer, you are such a strong woman! God will comfort you and bring you though this friend!

tea said...

I'm so sorry, Kirsten. ..I'm so sorry you have to grieve over your little one and that things are not how they should have been.

I pray that you are able to rest and that God will hold you and comfort you in this time.

terri said...

i feel a heaviness in my chest that wasn't there before...a pain and longing.

i wish i knew the words...

Kristi McInerney said...

my prayers and tears are with you.

HennHouse said...

still praying...

Nadine said...

I'm so sorry honey. Praying for you every day! My heart is broken for you...wish I had words to help, but I know there isn't anything anyone can say to make you feel better. :*( I'm so sorry! Love you.

Katie said...

Keeping you close to my heart in prayer and thought. I so wish there was something I could do for you...please know we love and care about you, James and Ewan.
Love,
Katie, Maddie and family

christianne said...

Loving you, friend.

Megan said...

I am relieved to hear that I am not the only one feeling tired. I couldn't figure out why, but I think you just pointed it out to me.... (((HUGS)))

Maryann said...

Praying for you and your husband. I find myself thinking of the Neil Simon song, Mother and Child Reunion. I hope a pop song does not trivialize your pain, and the music itself seems too reggae-ish and upbeat for what you're experiencing, but the lyrics seem to stand out on their own. I know there are deeper songs, poems and psalms on grief, but for what it's worth, here are the lyrics. http://www.lyricsfreak.com/p/paul+simon/mother+child+reunion_20105909.html

will said...

Praying for you, your husband, and family. Your act of love and faith has changed my life, and I pray for God's continued healing and abundant blessing on you and your family. God bless and keep you.

Heather said...

The image of a mother standing over the earth that holds her son, when he should be in her arms is suffocating. I can't believe it's been 8 weeks since you laid little Ewan to rest. The strange part about losing someone is the misconception that time would ease the pain. Sometimes I think it makes it harder. Just knowing that more time has passed since you were able to look at that sweet face. Knowing that it's been weeks and months not days since you last saw him. I love that we can rejoice in knowing you will see him again, but I am so sorry you have to live with your earthly loss for now... Much love to you!