08 September 2011

Hello, Love. Goodbye, Fear. {A Photo Reflection}

Just two nights before, I couldn't sleep. I was so afraid -- for us, for him. Of what he would suffer, and what we could lose. It was one of those nights when I fell to a crumpled heap on the floor. I was tired of trying to be strong. I sobbed, screamed until my throat was raw, and pounded my fists. I didn't care if I woke the neighbors or not.

It was just two nights before this. This was a very different kind of night.

all of me
September 18, 2010

In that moment, there was no time to be afraid. In that moment, I learned something of what it means for love to cast out fear. My love may not have been perfect, but it was all I had, and he had all of it. Without hesitation and without reservation, I loved him. In a way, I couldn't help it.

He was so vulnerable, so broken. He was not the perfectly healthy baby a parent hopes for. But he was mine, and that was enough. I saw that he was strong, and that he was fierce. I saw how much he needed our love, and how ready he was to receive it. All I wanted in that moment was him: to protect him, to fight for him, to tear down walls for him.

Loving him was (and is) worth it: every sleepless night, every tear, every moment I thought the grief would take me, too. Ewan may be gone, but the love is still here.

* * * * *

In preparation for Ewan's first birthday, I've been reviewing some of the photos we have of his time with us that have never been processed and have never been seen by anyone else. This is one of those photos. I will share a few more as his birthday approaches, and have something special planned to share with you for the day itself.