Coming Home

I'm sorry I didn't write sooner, but I'm here.

We left Bellevue about 6 am on the morning of Monday, July 11 and after stops in Midway, UT, then Englewood, CO, then Holyrood, KS, then Jefferson City, MO, then Franklin, TN, I finally pulled into the driveway of the new place I call home in Casselberry, FL at about 9 pm Saturday evening, July 16. 3,507.7 miles driven over about 58 hours and 6 days, and I was finally able to hang up the keys to the Toyota pickup and eat something other than food from truck stops or Subway stands.

A map of our cross-country trek: click to enlarge

Seeing James after an absence of 12 weeks was nothing less than surreal. We had conversed via Skype many times over those twelve weeks. Skype is great for what it is and definitely helped, but it's a poor substitute for actually being with someone you love. Seeing him again and being with him again was like waking up to find the best dream I ever had was true.

Many tried to tell us that twelve weeks was not "that bad." To be sure, our respective times apart were filled with preparations for a major move, wrapping up one life while trying to prepare ourselves for the next, saying goodbye, packing storage units, renting moving trucks, and for me, dealing with the persistent nausea that marked the first 15 weeks of my pregnancy. While apart, both our strengths and our weaknesses were amplified. Those things for which I leaned upon him -- things that (admittedly) he is better at than me -- became things I had to do on my own. And I didn't handle them well.

And so while I appreciate the encouragement of those who said those weeks really wouldn't be all that bad, I say: we are better together. A twelve-week separation, while perhaps not equal to torture, is something less than pleasant where my spouse and I are concerned.

Since I've arrived, my days have been filled with unpacking and setting up, and with the daily tasks of keeping a home running. I'm never lacking anything to do -- my list looks like many others, I am sure: laundry and dishes, cooking and cleaning up, sifting through what feels like mountains of cardboard boxes and trying to find a place for everything.

I knew this would happen, but I'm still surprised at how much I need to nap, even after a good night's sleep. Especially in the weeks prior to my departure, my days were filled with work, preparations, and in wrapping up all the loose ends. There was plenty to do and not a lot of time for rest. And then came 10-15 hour days in the car for six days on end. So while unpacking isn't going as quickly as I like, I know this is the time to get rest, to be gentle with myself, and to try and get what I need.

And then there's all the work of living in a new state: transferring our insurance policies, getting new licenses and registrations for our cars, learning the lay of the land. We're also looking for a new prenatal care provider and have set up appointments to consult with both an OB/GYN office and a respected midwife in the area. In the evenings, we'll walk around the neighborhood and meet our neighbors. I've become accustomed to handling the inevitable question about this being our first child, and am relieved at the genuine sympathy displayed when they learn about Ewan's all-too-brief stay with us.

It is a huge adjustment being here: the climate is different, the culture is different, and nothing at all is familiar except my spouse. He's now at work all day, and for the first time in most of my life, I am not a full-time student or employee. Everything is new, which is both exciting and frustrating -- so I'm trying to take it slow, and am not expecting everything to be sparkly and beautiful right away. I miss my friends and family, and I miss the way things were familiar. This isn't the first time I've been new to a place, but there is a little bit of sadness in each time that happens. It takes time to get to know the place, and for the place to get to know you.

Fresh starts don't typically come without a few bumps along the way. For now, I'm here, thanking God for a safe and uneventful journey on the way here, and taking my time to learn this new life. Stay tuned for more ...

A few random things

Life these days is a little crazy (hold the "little") and fragmented, and so is this blog post! Here are just a few of the things going on these days ...


1. I don't think I've mentioned that once I get to Florida, I won't need to work anymore. Wahoo! This is both incredibly exciting to me, and just a tad unnerving. Not needing to work will give me the freedom to work on writing a book, spending more time on photography, and to do the oh-so glamorous work of growing a baby and maintaining a home. As excited as I am, I know it's going to be a tremendous adjustment. After graduating from college, I took a two-week break and then promptly began working full-time. I haven't stopped since then (11 years!), so it's going to be crazy not to be earning a paycheck of my own.

2. I have been consistently sick with this pregnancy -- just like clockwork. Though I doubt this little one's personality is exerting much influence over my hormones, I can't help but notice the fact that for the last several weeks, I've been getting sick on a very regular schedule. Could it be a sign of things to come?? ;o)

3. Seattle Children's Hospital is having a memorial service this coming Sunday to remember and honor all the children who have died in the past year. My family and I will be attending for Ewan, and visiting the cemetery where he is buried (which is very close by) afterward. I've visited the hospital just once or twice since his death to pick up some of his things, and to visit a family we met there -- so it will be strange to be back there again.

4. I can't wait to get to Florida. It's not because I'm not going to miss it here in Seattle -- I really, really am. I'm going to miss the place and the people I love here. But being so far from my husband for this long is hard on us both. Skype is wonderful, but only gets us so far. To say I'm looking forward to the day when we're together again is a tremendous understatement!

One of the many reasons I love Washington: woods like these!

Roller Coaster

On the beach in Naples, Florida (2011)

What a year it's been! On this day last year, I was nearly 20 weeks pregnant and still looking forward to finding out if my squirmy little baby was a boy or a girl. It was just a couple of days later that our lives changed more than we could have possibly imagined.

Looking at all that's transpired since then is a dramatic journey: Ewan's birth, his death, everything that came after and in between, going back to work, my husband finding a job on the opposite side of the country, planning a cross-country move, finding out I'm pregnant again, preparing to leave the company where I've worked for the past 11 years, and most recently, my grandfather's death and the second eulogy I've delivered in the space of a year.

The question as to whether or not I've retained my sanity is, as far as I'm concerned, up for grabs. With so many ups and downs, twists and turns, going just a little nuts seems inevitable. I believe something so good is waiting for us in Florida -- a new, fresh start and a chance to begin again -- on the other side of this transition. It is my hope that this time my husband and I have to be apart is like the labor pains leading up to a birth -- that once I arrive, we can kick up our feet and catch our breath and rest a little. We've been through too much to expect life to be a breeze from here on out, but a vacation from all this turbulence would be nice.

Writing my grandfather's eulogy was a struggle. Of all the people that knew him -- many longer than I've been alive -- I was the one asked to put pen to paper and speak for our family. It was a humbling task and a daunting one. I felt pressure to find something fitting to say, to have the right words that would honor such an amazing man. When I expressed this to a friend, he said, "The Lord will give you the strength to do what you need to do." I chucked and replied, "The Lord has done that a lot this past year -- He has given me strength to do what I need to do. But I hope what He gives me next is a rest!"

And I do hope that. That is what I want, and what I feel like I need: a rest.

It's not without precedent in Biblical literature. After Job's great suffering, God blessed him with more than he had before. The roller coaster eventually stopped, and he was able to get off and recover. He enjoyed a season of blessing. I imagine Job had to feel something like rest or relief after all of that.

I don't know what waits for us on the other side of this. Nobody really does. But I think the roller coaster is already slowing down, and I have the hope that whatever it is that happens when we get off, it's going to be good.

Changes, and a thought or two on the body

Not long ago, I spent some time sharing with you many of the challenges we have been facing. Some of these challenges arose prior to Ewan's conception and birth, and some of them have popped up as new challenges in the weeks and months since that time. I'm here to share that there's some positive change in that regard.

There has been a burst of light.

James got a job.

Wait a minute, let me rephrase that:

JAMES GOT A JOB!!

This is something we have been waiting for and praying for in the nearly two years since we got married. It is a challenging economic environment for just about anyone, but the task of finding work seemed especially challenging in our area of the country. No matter how many times he applied, no matter what types of jobs, and no matter who we had networked with in our search for employment opportunities, nothing ever worked out. Not even an interview.

So how did this come about?

You will perhaps remember that James and I spent some time in Nashville and in Florida prior to my return to work in early February. When we went on that trip, we wanted to remain open to the possibility that there may be opportunities for us in the places we were visiting. While in Florida, an opportunity came up in discussion with the friends with whom we were staying.

Long story short: that's the opportunity we are pursuing. We are moving to Florida.

It's all happening quickly, but there are a few things I can tell you. The current plan is that James will start his training in about two weeks on Monday, 4/25. He's driving from Seattle to Florida (a little over 3,000 miles), which means he will have to leave by this weekend. I'm going to stay behind in the Seattle area for a few months to tie up loose ends with getting moved out of our apartment and so I can keep working to ensure that we both have health insurance coverage until his kicks in at 90 days. I'll be staying with a friend of mine for a couple of months after our lease is up at the end of May until we are ready for me to make the move as well. It will be challenging to be apart for that long, but I'm confident that with everything we have dealt with in the past two years, that we can make it through this three month (or so) period.

This is what 3,069 miles looks like

People have asked me before and I was asked again recently if it will be difficult to leave Ewan behind. As a Catholic, I believe the body is important. It is not just a shell. When God made the body, he said it was good. Christ gave the body further dignity through his incarnation, his taking on of human flesh. I believe that one day at the resurrection, our expired bodies will be raised again and brought to perfection and newness of life. That being said, Ewan's body will be staying put in Seattle. For as long as he was here with us, Seattle was his home. He is buried in a good  Catholic cemetery where we can trust his remains will be treated with compassion and dignity. We are confident that this is the best possible place for him to be, and for him to remain.

And without wanting to be overly sentimental, he is always with us. When I'm at the cemetery standing near that tiny plot of earth that covers his body, I know that it's him down there. I am well aware that the little body that was safe inside mine -- kicking and squirming and rolling and pushing way too hard to the right -- is down there. That matters to me. But I don't need to be in a cemetery or near his body to feel close to him. His body is there, but it is no longer animated. He's alive in heaven, and I have it on good authority that he's been busy. That's a part of him I can be near to and have access to no matter where in the world I am.

I realize that other families who have experienced similar losses have chosen to handle this issue differently, and this choice was made out of love for their children. I hope it makes sense that the choice we make to allow his buried body remain where it currently rests is also made out of love. It may be a long way off, but we will see him in the flesh again one day. And I also know that the part of him that still lives and intercedes on the behalf of others will be with us no matter how far we drive.

He is with us, even in our fresh start.