30 September 2010

Tears & hope

Yesterday was rough. It doesn't get any easier seeing him like this: chest tubes and drains, on more IVs than I've seen in my life, chest open and covered with tape. And I thought about the other families here: how for different reasons, they are walking their own paths of grief. No one really wants to be here. Everyone wants to go home, and with a healthy (or healthier) child.

My arms feel so terribly empty without him. Right now about the only parts of him I can touch are the top of his head and the bottoms of his feet. Sometimes I manage to get a little bit of his leg. I remember another heart mom saying that she kept a stuffed animal with her since her instinct was to hold and cuddle something after birth. As so I've been sleeping with a stuffed giraffe Ewan's great-grandparents bought for him. I'm hoping Ewan can cuddle it soon himself.

We're starting the day on a positive note, having heard that the lung that was mucky and collapsed yesterday is clear and sounding good today. The nurse even said she had to turn down the amount of O2 he was getting because his lungs were that much clearer. He's very negative on his fluid balance as of this morning (just over 400ccs) which is exactly where they want him to be. The nurse said he even kept peeing after they stopped giving lasix. I told her that all Petermanns are overachievers.

And so I've been praying like Eliezer -- and I know you have too. That today is the day Ewan can come off of ECMO safely. Lord, grant us success. Lord, grant us victory today. Saint Pio, pray for us. Hail Mary, full of grace ... these prayers come from my lips steadily and in a stream, one right after the other. I anointed him this morning with some Padre Pio Blessed Oil as I prayed over him. Please Lord, make his little body ready for this. I have hope that this is what the past 24 hours of our collective prayers and the wisdom of our doctors have wrought.

I have hope that, after this bit of trouble, we can have more days like this, but minus tubes, wires, and vents. Please Lord, grant us success. Grant us victory today in getting Ewan safely off of ECMO.

22 comments:

Sarah said...

Amen, sweet friend. Amen and amen.

olga said...

Dear Kirsten, I keep praying and hope for you...

Emily (Laundry and Lullabies) said...

Kirsten, your faith is a beautiful thing. Reading your thoughts in this dark time makes me think of Mary...full of grace, and the Lord with her. He IS with you and with Ewan. And we continue to pray.

Anonymous said...

I just want to tell you we are following along, cheering for all of you here in PA. Sending you strength and courage.

The Cheshire Family

P.S. My heart baby turns six on Sunday. Please stay hopeful.

Grunewaldts said...

I love that you have the stuffed giraffe to cuddle with. Our son Ben was given a brown blanket and I did the same with the blanket and now it is his favorite and we have to bring it everywhere. I hope he soon gets to cuddle with the giraffe as well.

We are praying that he comes of ECHMO successfully.

christianne said...

This beautiful brings my heart even closer to yours. I am astonished by the clarity of thought and expression you continue to have through all this. It perhaps is healing to channel all these thoughts and emotions into a steady stream of communication here to all of us (which I know can also be a form of prayer to God).

Loving Ewan and praying for him like Eliezer off the ECMO machine today. Praise God for his goodness in these last 24 hours!

Anonymous said...

I have been following along, smiling, crying, cheering and praying. Sending love and prayers from Monroe, WA.

deb said...

I'm heading out to my daughter's school vball tournament , and will be fingering a little cross in my pocket in hopes of victory.
the big kind , for you and your ewan.

hopeannfaith said...

The prayers of the righteous man avail much, the bible says! The power of God is available to us when we pray...imagine that God's power bestowed upon each of us in this effort of righteous intercession...and God honors us in His Son. With each prayer we stand within the throne room of our might Father God and He honors each warrior that approaches the throne with Yes and Amen!
God thank You that this family, this child that has been faithfully and lovingly set apart for You alone is doing well today, and each second... with each step let Ewan Eliezer excell in the divine health that Christ purchased for Him at Calvary. We are all in agreement here Lord, and because there is no time or distance in christ...Your Word promises that where 2 or 3 are gathered in agreement there TOO are YOU! We welcome and rest in Your presence LORD, even as we remain in continual prayer and hope in Christ!
Go Ewan Go! Much Love...Amen and amen.

hopeannfaith said...

The prayers of the righteous man avail much, the bible says! The power of God is available to us when we pray...imagine that God's power bestowed upon each of us in this effort of righteous intercession...and God honors us in His Son. With each prayer we stand within the throne room of our might Father God and He honors each warrior that approaches the throne with Yes and Amen!
God thank You that this family, this child that has been faithfully and lovingly set apart for You alone is doing well today, and each second... with each step let Ewan Eliezer excell in the divine health that Christ purchased for Him at Calvary. We are all in agreement here Lord, and because there is no time or distance in christ...Your Word promises that where 2 or 3 are gathered in agreement there TOO are YOU! We welcome and rest in Your presence LORD, even as we remain in continual prayer and hope in Christ!
Go Ewan Go! Much Love...Amen and amen.

hopeannfaith said...

The prayers of the righteous man avail much, the bible says! The power of God is available to us when we pray...imagine that God's power bestowed upon each of us in this effort of righteous intercession...and God honors us in His Son. With each prayer we stand within the throne room of our might Father God and He honors each warrior that approaches the throne with Yes and Amen!
God thank You that this family, this child that has been faithfully and lovingly set apart for You alone is doing well today, and each second... with each step let Ewan Eliezer excell in the divine health that Christ purchased for Him at Calvary. We are all in agreement here Lord, and because there is no time or distance in christ...Your Word promises that where 2 or 3 are gathered in agreement there TOO are YOU! We welcome and rest in Your presence LORD, even as we remain in continual prayer and hope in Christ!
Go Ewan Go! Much Love...Amen and amen.

Rebecca said...

Our Father in Heaven, for the sake of YOUR Son, give this little boy life and health, and return him quickly to his mama's loving arms.

Steph said...

Praying for Ewan to get off ECMO safely and do well on his own. Praying, praying and praying, you are right that is all we can do. I have faith. Take care.

Leslie said...

Amen. Praying with you, today.

Anonymous said...

"Please Lord, grant us success. Grant us victory today in getting Ewan safely off of ECMO." Amen.

Jennifer
www.caringbridge.org/visit/babyhood

Katie said...

Kirsten,
Your posts always bring me to tears. They're so heartfelt, I can literally feel your heartbreak in your words. I admire you so, this has been such a tough journey for you and your hubby so far and for Ewan, but what a tough and incredibly strong little boy he is. He can do this. We're praying and remaining hopeful just like you and all you are anxiously awaiting your post that announces him "free of ECMO". Love and hugs to you friend.

Baby Hung said...

You are so strong, I'm scared to of what is to come for us later. I read your site and see your support and hopefully I will be as strong as you. Thanks for sharing in your most intimate time and we are most definitely praying for you. Good advice on bringing a stuff animal.

Much love and deep prayers for you from Texas.

Anonymous said...

Prayers that Ewan will make it off ECMO today!

Shannon Egan

ANewKindOfPerfect said...

I pray that Ewan can safely come off of ECMO today and his strength will shine!

tea said...

Praying with you, Kirsten. I see your twitter update on the sidebar that he has come of ECMO. Thank you Lord!! Will keep praying.

Anonymous said...

Just saw your twitter update. Glory be to God that the ECMO machine is no longer hooked up to Ewan. Ewan, you are the miracle that happened today. Proof of what Faith can do!

Shannon Egan

Shay said...

beautifully written! Amen! your faith amazes me! love and prayers heading your way!