Yesterday was rough. It doesn't get any easier seeing him like this: chest tubes and drains, on more IVs than I've seen in my life, chest open and covered with tape. And I thought about the other families here: how for different reasons, they are walking their own paths of grief. No one really wants to be here. Everyone wants to go home, and with a healthy (or healthier) child.
My arms feel so terribly empty without him. Right now about the only parts of him I can touch are the top of his head and the bottoms of his feet. Sometimes I manage to get a little bit of his leg. I remember another heart mom saying that she kept a stuffed animal with her since her instinct was to hold and cuddle something after birth. As so I've been sleeping with a stuffed giraffe Ewan's great-grandparents bought for him. I'm hoping Ewan can cuddle it soon himself.
We're starting the day on a positive note, having heard that the lung that was mucky and collapsed yesterday is clear and sounding good today. The nurse even said she had to turn down the amount of O2 he was getting because his lungs were that much clearer. He's very negative on his fluid balance as of this morning (just over 400ccs) which is exactly where they want him to be. The nurse said he even kept peeing after they stopped giving lasix. I told her that all Petermanns are overachievers.
And so I've been praying like Eliezer -- and I know you have too. That today is the day Ewan can come off of ECMO safely. Lord, grant us success. Lord, grant us victory today. Saint Pio, pray for us. Hail Mary, full of grace ... these prayers come from my lips steadily and in a stream, one right after the other. I anointed him this morning with some Padre Pio Blessed Oil as I prayed over him. Please Lord, make his little body ready for this. I have hope that this is what the past 24 hours of our collective prayers and the wisdom of our doctors have wrought.
I have hope that, after this bit of trouble, we can have more days like this, but minus tubes, wires, and vents. Please Lord, grant us success. Grant us victory today in getting Ewan safely off of ECMO.