05 October 2010

Holding the Tension


The poor baby just couldn't catch a break.

Everything that could have gone wrong, did. Every time we heard "this hardly ever happens", "this is what we see in very extreme cases", and "it's very unlikely", that was Ewan. Even the statistics that were less than 1% seemed to apply to him. To us. If there was a minuscule chance of something going wrong, it did. If there was a small chance of him not having something he needed, he didn't have it.

One important thing to realize about Tetralogy of Fallot is that there is a wide range of severity, and a broad spectrum of anomalies that can go with it. The analogy that I came up with and that our doctor agreed with was this: saying "Tetralogy of Fallot" is like saying "I'm bleeding." It could be a paper cut, or it could be a gunshot wound. Ewan had the gunshot wound kind of Tetralogy of Fallot. He had pulmonary atresia on top of it, the smallest pulmonary arteries they ever dared operate on, and no identifiable PDA (a blood vessel that is open in the heart in utero, and normally closes a few days after birth). If he had had a PDA, he might have stood a chance.

In other words, one case of Tetralogy is definitely not like the other. In other words, Ewan had a heart that was not meant to sustain his life.

Even as I am able to say honestly things like I did in my post yesterday about hope and seeing God's hand in all of this, I hold this in tension with it an unspeakably deep grief. Anger, too. Anything can precipitate a cascade of tears and sobs. Nothing at all can give rise to the same, and then there I am, on the floor wishing that I could cry even harder, cry hard enough to feel like the crying mattered.

After I got out of bed this morning, I saw the little stuffed monkey the nurses had given him to cuddle with post-operatively. He always had one arm tightly around it and was noticeably irritated whenever they moved it or took it from him as they assessed him. I lost it.

I miss him so much. I want my baby back. This isn't fair. My baby. My sweet, sweet baby!

These are the words that run off my lips in those moments, over and over and over. This is what I tell God. I will never get to hold him again. I will never feel the softness of that baby skin or the silkiness of his hair. I'm already starting to lose the sweet smell of him. Everything cries out: it shouldn't be this way.

The only moments I saw him without tubes and tape all over him were at his birth and at his death. I never got to see him without slathering my hands in Purell. Save for the moment he left my body and was placed on my chest, I never saw him without the permission of his nurses.

And now I grieve things like the fact he never got to be outside a hospital setting: I will never get to watch him sleep in his crib, dress him in the clothes we bought for him, change his diaper, or nurse him. I will never get him back, and he is precisely the one I want. Only him.

I know we are probably going to hear some well-intentioned but hurtful things in the coming days and weeks. Things about having another baby someday, about how happy he must be in heaven, and about how I shouldn't be sad because he no longer suffers. I hope I'm able to communicate in those moments that grieving Ewan (that grieving any loss, really) is not a black and white matter; it's not either/or, but both/and. I can trust that he's in heaven and rejoice in that, and I can acknowledge that we will be feeling the loss of him acutely for a long time -- probably our whole lives. I can rejoice in the truth that he is not suffering anymore, and weep bitterly over the reality that he isn't with us, that we did not get nearly enough time with him. I can be happy that he doesn't have to be sliced or poked or taped or stitched ever again, and desperately ache for him to be back here with us. One reality doesn't cancel out the other. We hold them in tension, with all the uncomfortable complexity and unfathomable mystery that such nuances create.

I miss that sweet baby boy so much. I miss how intently and knowingly he would gaze at me, not just with his eyes but with his soul. I miss his fingers curled around mine. I miss having him under my heart, feeling him roll and stretch and kick. My sweet, fierce little Ewan. You took our hearts with you.

87 comments:

Joye said...

Perfectly said, Kirsten. Thank you for sharing your feelings, and Ewan, with us.

Sending my love from the East Coast to the West.

Anonymous said...

I weep for you. My heart aches for the longing in your words. I so prayed that the outcome would have been different. I am sending you a personal email to team.ewan@gmail.com.

Shannon Egan

Sarah said...

I am so sad for you. You are an amazing mom, and you said this all beautifully.

There are no words - but you and Ewan are in my heart.

In this wonderful life... said...

I hate this for you guys.I hate that our boys aren't here with us. I think it sucks badly.

I'll be thinking of you guys.

I could have written this post.

Kelly Langner Sauer said...

I am here. Weeping with you. You and Ewan... nothing is the same for me now. I do not understand. I have not cried like this for my own loss. I am giving you my own heart today; I think He means for you to have it for a little while, since He is holding yours.

Michelle said...

Kirsten, my son had the gunshot wound TOF. He had PA, he didn't have the PDA that could have saved his life. Everything went so wrong. I am still grappling with it all. I am so sorry for all you are going through. I am so sorry that I know the road you're heading down. I hate that this is happening to another mother. Our babies, with their perfect, broken hearts. I don't know you, but know - that I have so much love for all of you right now.

Stefenie said...

Kirsten,
Well said. I know there isn't anything that any of us can say that will make any of your pain go away. All we can do is be here for you in whatever way you need us to be.

Praying for you and crying many tears. {{{HUG}}} Thinking of Ewan and how much he touched my heart.

Caleb said...

My love and prayers are always with you two.

Nikki said...

You are so incredible. I hope you and James can feel all of the prayers that are still being offered for you and Ewan. I pray they hold you up in your time of need and sustain you during this life without Ewan, so you are able to keep your faith and return to him in the next life.

We love you!
Nikki, Justin, Dade, Emmett and Orson
www.brokenheartsmended.blogspot.com

Sarah said...

Here with tears and prayers (if only I could bring coffee). I'm with Kelly - so much is different now. I feel angry for you, at the loss but also at people who would have you cut your grief short . . . i love you.

Katie said...

I am so, so sorry for you and your family. I won't even pretend to understand. Just know that there is a stranger out there thinking of you and praying for you. Ewan was a beautiful little boy and I know that you will carry him with you in your heart forever. He will be remembered by many people for a long time to come.

Summer {Bisfor...} said...

there are no words. i cannot imagine what you are going through. be mad, sad, whatever you need to be to help you cope. there are no rules.

x

Hope's Blog said...

So well said...there really are no words anyone can say to help you grieve Ewan. I can't imagine the pain and sadness you are going through. I am crying and praying for your whole family. He will be remembered and cherished forever.

Anonymous said...

Kirsten,

This is said so well. I felt the both/and after my miscarriage, and not everyone understood, and I didn't know how to articulate it. I'm not trying to say they are the same, but I understand in a small way that grief can be minimized by well-intentioned family, friends and strangers.

Much love, many prayers,
Christine (a stranger)

Papillon Sky Photography said...

Kirsten,
You are so right and I am so glad you are sharing your feelings here because it's good for people to know what a person goes through when they lose a baby. Then they can better support you and others in your situation. Sure, you could have another baby but it would not be Ewan, because he cannot simply be replaced. He is a part of you and that will never change. And you have a right to grieve and not just feel better that he isn't suffering. Because now you are suffering a great, great loss.
People in their desperate need to stop your hurting are going to say stupid things. That's why it's sooooo sooo important to create a nest around yourself and stay out of public for as long as you need to. Nothing is worse that 1) people acting like nothing happened 2)people saying stupid, hurtful but well-intentioned things and 3) seeing babies, pregnant women or baby clothes.
Will you send me your mailing address? I have something for you. I also just sent you a Flickr email with some links to blogs you may find helpful.
I am feeling your pain as I read and holding you in my heart. I think sometimes when we share our grief with others, we don't feel so alone. So thank you for sharing. We are here for you.

Jessica Thomas said...

Sending my deepest condolances to you and your family. Ewan is such a beautiful little boy, I am so sorry he had to leave so early.

--Jessica Thomas

Nova Scotia, Canada

Ausmerican Housewife said...

My baby girl and baby boy have probably been waiting for a chance to meet Ewan and take him around all their favorite spots in Heaven. Its been almost 2 years since she left us and 15 weeks since he did. I understand the hurt and confusion and "why can't my baby just be with me and whole and perfect?" that you're dealing with. My little guy didn't have CHD but I do know the pain of only seeing him without tubes twice. A split second after he was born, and after he died. Huge hugs to you from Australia. If you want another mother who is still in fresh grief to cry with, I'm here for you.

BJ mommy to angel Alexis said...

Even having been there myself, there is nothing I can say to help. Just know that your are wrapped in the love of everyone.

melifaif said...

I know there are no words. But, please know many people love you and are praying for you and your family. My heart and body ache for your loss.

Rahime said...

I had so hoped and prayed for a different outcome for you when I saw your story on friends' facebook pages. My heart cries for the pain you must be feeling.

I wanted to drop in to Ewan's blog now and let you know how sorry I am that you lost him. No words or actions can soothe your grief, but I wanted to know that I will be praying for you through it.

My hope and prayer is that you and James will be enfolded in the arms of people who will allow you to feel, to grieve, and to be angry and that you will be able to look to the Father through your mourning.

danielle said...

I know there are no words to make you feel better. There are no words to describe how deeply sorry I am that you are going through this. Just know that there are so many people praying for you and your family. Much love!

Anna said...

I so desperatly want to sit and grieve with you and James. My dear friend, my heart aches for you. I love you.

Anna

KLaw said...

I want nothing more than to give you a hug at this very moment. My Husband and I cried together for you and Ewan last night. I am brought to tears by your sadness. We love you.

mom2joy said...

You are a wonderful writer and a good theologian! I am a Lutheran pastor and I deeply treasure both of those gifts. You are also one terrific mother (and father)truly cheated by some of the painful realities of this world. Yep, as Christians we are an Easter people, living in a Good Friday world. May the God who knows our sorrow to the tips of his fingers and toes, wrap you in his loving arms.
Carolyn (in Las Vegas)

michele pauline said...

I don't have words, I just wanted to say you write beautifully and thank you for sharing your feelings and story. As a previous comment read, stay safe around those that comfort you and grieve with you. Keep the peacefully feeling you've had close and there are many prayers being said for you and your family.

Heather said...

You are a master of words. I have come here multiply times reading and rereading your post and leave feeling empty for you. I do not know your pain of losing a child, but I have had my share of grief over the years. Unfortunately those around us mean well with thier words and do not understand the additional hurt they unintentional leave us with during this grieving period. From the sounds of it you have a fabulous inner circle of family and friends; but most importantly you have eachother. Hold eachother close and grieve together. You and James alone are the only ones that know this grief you are feeling right now. I, as well as so many others that have been touched by Ewan and your story will continue to prayer for you. I truly believe that Ewan served a purpose here on earth and I know that I was touched by that purpose.

Much love from a stranger in Michigan. <3<3<3

Anonymous said...

Praying for Ewan's beautiful mommy & daddy. May you find a moment of peace today and strength to face tomorrow.

HennHouse said...

Love you.

Praying without ceasing.

terri said...

it strikes me that even now in the middle of your grief you find the kindness to guide the people around you and help them to love you well in this place. what a gift.

this is so painful kirsten. it's amazing that a body can hold this much love and grief.

and i'm with sarah...i wish i could bring you coffee and sit with you.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for your beautiful and honest writings. So well spoken! Thank you for the powerful gift of life you have given Ewan, and for sharing with us how precious life is.

You don't know me, but I will offer some extra prayers for you as I realize our babies share the same birth day. I am so sorry for your loss. My heart weeps for you and your husband. There are no adequate words, but there is prayer, hope and love.

May your faith continue to sustain you! And peace be with you. Karina

Allison said...

Kirsten-
I am yet another nameless, faceless stranger who has been so moved by your story and, more so, by your willingness to share it with the world.
I wept yesterday when I read the news about Ewan. My heart aches for you and your husband. I realize -- and you said it yourself-- that there is nothing anyone can say or do to make it any better.
I do want you to know that I have prayed and will continue to pray for your family. Last night, I prayed to Angel Ewan to help me figure things out and live the life I am intended to live.
Your story has touched me in too many ways to count.
Thank you for bringing Ewan into my life.
He is loved.
Allison
From Chicago

Ari said...

I'm so sorry for your loss

Perfectly Imperfect said...

I can't even imagine what you are going through.. I hate that your little perfect boy can't be with you.

Praying for you as you go through this time. Praying for you to have strength and God to give you comfort.

Baby Hung said...

You have such an amazing way with your words to express how you feel. I feel like I'm sitting with you in a coffee shop listening to you talk. I read this and I'm mad with and for you. Just know I am still praying for your family.

Jenn said...

Kirsten,
I am so sorry. I have been praying for your sweet son, and I will continue to pray for all of you as you walk through this valley.

McBoda said...

Nothing I could say would take your pain away. I want to thank you for sharing your beautiful wonderful awesome son with us for a while. I shall never EVER forget his eyes. There are beautiful eyes and then there is something remarkable and holy about them. His presence, through your loving updates, has brought me closer to Jesus and to Mary. I cannot begin tell you how very sorry I am for your loss, a loss no one should have to go through. I just can tell you that Ewan and your family will remain in my prayers.
Kelly M.

Jen said...

I hope you continue to share your journey through this. Many, many prayers.

tea said...

Kirsten, you are so right. The truth and the peace of knowing Who is now holding Ewan, doesn't mean that the hurt and pain just goes away for you....and I'm so sorry you're hurting so deeply for your precious baby boy. I pray that you will be given the freedom to grieve by everyone around you, and you and your husband will continue to be in my prayers.

PrincessJoylynn said...

You've heard/read many people lately. I don't know you but I too lost my son. I am not saying your circumstances are the same as mine. Every situation is different. I can say that I have wrestled with God. If you need to speak to someone you are more than welcome to call me, even though I am a stranger; I serve the same God. my email is joyrmarlowe@yahoo.com

Auntie M said...

My thoughts & prayers are with you and your family at this oh-so-difficult of times. I won't offer any misguided "words of wisdom"~just sympathy and love...

hopeannfaith said...

Kirsten,
Eloquently stated. There is not much to say in these situations that do not claw at your heart, soul and spirit. So like you requested yesterday the best thing for all of us to do for you and James is to be here, pray and read/listen to your aching heart and pray as hard for this leg of your journey as we all did for the first leg.
I cannot say that I know how you are feeling, that would be a lie. However, I did lose my grandson (still born 4 months preemie)2 years ago, and I ached and was angry for a long time. I cannot fathom what it is you are going through. Just know that I am praying and praying and aching that that is all any of us can do for you right now.
We love you, even those of us who don't physically know you, we love you! You, and Ewan and James became an intrigal part of our lives and our hearts.
Andrea

→Daniele← said...

You have written this so beautifully. I am in tears and want to say nothing more than I send prayers and hugs to your family.

Emily (Laundry and Lullabies) said...

Grief is so complex. I am amazed by how well you captured the tension, the "both/and" facts of peace/joy and grief/anger. It is all true, it is all part of it. May you have many people who can love you IN your grief, rather than hurry you through it.

chksngr said...

Oh, sweet, brave and beautiful woman...how you must ache and long for your son. You are so right...it is not fair and it doesn't seem right...and my heart aches for you. I am so so sorry for your loss.

The VW's said...

May God give you strength, peace, comfort and grace.....today and always! I am praying for you!

Garbage Guru's Wife said...

I am so, so sorry. I cannot image the grief you are feeling. My prayers are with you and your dear little Ewan.

Anonymous said...

Kirsten,
I am taken back by your beautiful writing. My heart breaks for you. I will continue to pray for you and your family.

Elise (Daniels) McFadden

Nonny Baby said...

I have no words can be spoken that will comfort you. I grieve with you and hurt for you. You are always on my heart and in my thoughts. It's like I have a streaming prayer running day and night for you and James. We will pray without ceasing that God will give you peace, even while you grieve and wrestle with all that has taken place and will take place in the days, weeks, months and years to come.
~Summer

j*e*n said...

My heart is breaking for you and your family. No words can help, but please know that we are praying for you.

felmleyfam said...

so glad you updated. thank you.

Jessica said...

I know you will get hundreds of comments, hundreds of emails, so I don't know if you will see this, but my heart goes out to you and your family.
I found your blog from another blog, and after 10 minutes you have me in tears.
I'm praying for you and your family, for strength to make it through next few days, weeks, months or years, however long you need to grieve for the loss of your amazing baby boy. You may never stop grieving, but that means you will never forget how much he meant to you and how special he was. He really truly did touch the lives of everyone that knew him and everyone that has read yours and his story.
Much love and condolences for you and your family.

M said...

I found your blogs because I read the hennhouse. I was so moved by your writing and the photography and was pulled into your story only a few months ago, but still, my heart is breaking for you and your family. I see all the love and prayers heading your way and hope that you feel every one of them.
Hugs,
Michelle
Texas

christianne said...

Holding the silence and tears with you ...

Hollie said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you as you work your way through this. I also have experienced similar situations and there are no words to describe a mother's grief. And no, you don't ever get over it.....you just learn how to hold it close to you as you get on with the rest of your life. They are very precious and private memories that you will only take out and look at when you are strong enough. What helped me was a card someone sent me and the only thing it had on it was--After every sunset comes a sunrise.
Praying for you.

Debby@Just Breathe said...

Dear Kirsten, I am so sorry for your loss. Ewan is so precious. I know that your heart is heavy with sorrow and I want you to know that I care. I will be praying for your comfort and strength. I would love to be able to send you a handkerchief from my For Your Tears
blog. Please send me an email when you feel up to it.
dpucci9972@gmail.com Love, Debby

Anonymous said...

thank you for continuing to share your heart, the faith and disappointment you have. I have wept and wept for you and I feel like I could weep again. I am so sorry for you loss! My prayers continue to be with you.

Much Love~
A friend of a friend

Sara said...

God bless you dear. I am so sad for you.

And you won't forget his smell. Ever. It has been three years and I remember my baby boy's smell.

So many prayers with you...

Nickname unavailable said...

I found your story from a friend's blog and just wanted to tell you I am sorry. What a beautiful gift you gave back to the Lord. Please know that you will be in my thoughts and my prayers. Hugs for a healing heart.

Pensive Catholic Mama said...

So well-spoken. Your description of the "both/and" was very true and also very beautiful. Praying for you, your husband, and your family. God bless you.

Life with Kaishon said...

Oh. I am so sorry for the intense pain you are feeling. I will pray for you. I wish I could do more. Sending love.

A Simple Country Girl said...

Been praying and will continue.

Shay said...

beautifully written! Thank you for sharing your heartache. Thank you for sharing Ewan and his journey with us. crying and praying for you! I love how you put it as both/and...that is so true and a great reminder for us all. while we all wish there was something to say or do to help, allowing you to feel and deal with this in your way and in your time is what you need. praying and sending you my love.

Newlywed and Decorating said...

Just want you to know I am praying for you and your family.

Amber said...

I am so sorry. Sitting here with tears rolling. There really aren't words to say. Just know that so many of us are hurting for you.

Kristin said...

Words don't seem appropriate...I am so sorry and all I can offer are my prayers. Thank you for sharing your son with us.

Kristin

Sweeto said...

oh sweet kirsten. please make this into a book, you express so completely how you feel, that is a gift. I agree with what you said about the well intentions of people, I can't imagine smiling through any of them. Allow people to comfort you, God gives you grace to share. I am truly sorry for your heartache, it is beyond understanding or sympathy, just an unidentifiable feeling that I send to you and James wrapped in hugs, and prayer, and sunsets and rainbows. I had a recent dream about seeing ten rainbows encompasing the earth like a sphere, may your hearts learn to dream again.

Carolina Carters said...

Beautiful words...

I have none, but many, many prayers.

Cameo's Angels said...

I came acrosee your blog from another blog follower and just couldn't help but say, that you are right on. You shouldn't be dealing with this and you should have him. You are so justified in having these feelings and although they may seem to diminish at times, they don't totally go away. And although I can't say that I totally know how you feel, I have lost two children before they were born, so I feel your pain about not knowing what it will be like to see them in cribs or dress them up or cuddle with them. I am so incrediably sorry for your most tragic loss. You were an amazing mom (and dad) to that precious little man. Your blog led me to tears and I can't send enough love your way. I know you have more than enough comments on here but I just had to leave my love for you. Stay strong and don't ever hide those emotions. They are what make you human. Lots of love and hugs sent your way.

Anonymous said...

Kirsten,
I don't know you yet can so understand and feel your sadness at the terrible loss of your sweet baby. How I came across your blog? A friend of a friend of a friend, on Facebook. I just wanted to let you know of a great site, the MISS foundation, online at www.missfoundation.org
It has saved my life, times two. If I can help you at all, please don't hesitate to find me on there, as Mary13.
again, my heart is breaking for you, knowing what you're living with, and without. :( I'm so sorry.
Mary Pahl

Anonymous said...

Meditating on your powerful, raw words and praying for your souls.

Loving you in Iowa,
TOF mommy

Anonymous said...

Our thoughts and prayers are with you. Thank you for having the courage and strength to share your family's experiences.

May your son's memory be a blessing.

Samantha

jenn said...

Just wanted to let you know that I am praying for you guys. I can't begin to imagine what you are feeling right now, so I will just pray for peace in and through your grief, and that you feel the love surrounding your family. Love from Eastern WA.

{andthisiswhatshesaid} said...

Praying for you. There is nothing I can say.... My prayers are with your family and I hope that you feel the love that Ewan had from so many people.

Nickie said...

Praying for you, and sending my love.

Kel said...

As I read this my heart just ached for you. I lost my daughter in 91 to annencephaly. In 98 my son was born with tetralogy of fallot.I do not know you but I will certainly be praying for you! Hugs from Houston

♥Aubrey said...

Your blog has reached soo many...in every part of the world. With your touching words & unconditional love for your child it's hard to not read each post without tears.

You have every right to be angry, confused, hurt & "holding the tension" as you put. Baby Ewan IS & WILL ALWAYS BE apart of your life...in your heart forever!!!
Sending many virtual hugs your way :))

Laurie said...

Love. Love to you for each moment. Your post is so beautifully sad - your empty place, I see it and I know it will always be empty... my heart aches to know you are here and all you lost...one precious child who gazed so intently... he'll be with you forever, like my Gwen will be with us, but NOT the way we dreamed and hoped...and nothing speaks to that reality... I will stand proudly with you for my lifetime, loving and missing my sweet baby as you do yours, even as I also trust they the best of care now...I'm in the same tension vibe and you described it perfectly... and I know deep pain comes with that perfect description. I cringe thinking of your heart behind those words... Love to you and your family.

Anonymous said...

Kirsten & James,
I am at work at 1 am listening to a podcast of EWTN Open Line Tuesday for last week and when I heard your call I immediately went to the Team Ewan website. As I read your post the tears began to flow.
Please accept my deepest and most sincere sympathy for the loss of your precious baby. Words are completely inadequate at a time like this, but know that you and your entire family are in my prayers.
Peter

Anonymous said...

You are strong and that little boy loved you so much in his short little life. I don't know you but you have touched my heart.

Anonymous said...

I am so terribly sorry for your loss. May God's love and comfort surround you and your family.

Emma (Australia) said...

So sad. I really hope you will be OK.

I do not have any children yet, but I have had two miscarriages in the past 6 months. I know the feeling to want a baby that for some reason had to go to heaven too soon.

Love to your family.

MommyMonkey said...

I have been anxiously following along with so many others and praying for Ewan and your family. I am heartbroken for you and know there are no words which will comfort you. Just know I still hold Ewan and your family in my prayers and in my heart. I wish I was half as eloquent with my words as you are - I am amazed at your strength, Kirsten. You are truly blessed to have Ewan with you always in your heart.
Much love,
Debbie

JO SOWERBY said...

the only thing i can say is that all the things you are experiencing are normal. all the anger, emotion and sadness are part of what grief is. i have sat and watched parents go through what are experiencing as a nurse on NICU so many times. i even had the privilege of holding one special girl as she passed away on her parents behalf. i will never forget those experiences for the rest of my life. it is an unimaginable exeperience to go through and no-one can really tell you how or what it will be like from one minute to the next. i hope that all the support and love which has and will continue to be sent to you both phyiscially and across the international networks will help you through. i pray for you all at this sad time.
Jo xxxx

Leslie said...

"Both/and." Yes. Grieve. Weep. It shouldn't be this way. And we are weeping with you. I'm so sorry.

Anonymous said...

Our hearts are still aching and we offer prayers of comfort and grace for your family. In his short time here and because of your beautiful writing Kristen, young Ewan has touched so many and I feel brought so many people closer to the Lord. Your expression of trust and grief was conveyed so beautifully I feel others were able to feel God's love and grace surrounding you. God bless you both.

Courtaney said...

I have no idea how you can be as articulate and poetic as you are during all of this. It's amazing -- your posts are beautiful to read. Thank you for sharing as openly as you are. Thank you to Ewan, too.

I know this is too soon, but a friend of mine, Krista, lives in Seattle and lost her baby girl, Madison, soon after birth at Seattle Children's, too. She now facilitate a monthly pregnancy and infant loss support group at Children's Hospital. It meets the first Thursday of every month. The organization name is PS - Parent Support. The VERY (embarrassingly) outdate website is www.psofpugetsound.org. Her email address is kmcinerney76(at)comcast.net

She asked me to send this info to you... maybe it will be helpful in the future. The link to her story and the story of Maddie can be found here: http://www.babiesonline.com/babies/l/ladybugmadison/

Love and prayers to you. <3

noreinsgirl said...

My heart aches and tears fall in Ewan's memory. May you find peace and feel the prayers of many wrapping you and your husband in them.